Friday 1/13/23

5:00a.m. Aides got me up at 5. They dresser mei in clothes,. This is a big deal because I’ve been wearing nothing but hospital gowns since I came to the nursing home. I never thought I would be so happy over a pair of pants. I feel like a man again. 

Anyways, I’m above the dirt and blessed with another day. I slept well last night? I had a Tylenol before bgoing to bed.i didn’t have too much pain.. Nor did I have too many incontinence episodes. I had a good night. 

7:47a.m. I was half asleep untill they served coffee and oj. I had two cups of hot coffee. For breakfast I has a sausage paddy, scrambled eggs and two slices of toast.  I also had a bowl of oatmeal cereal. Coffee, pants and good food made me very happy.

I do not feel so depressed today. I never thought I’d get to this point where I could say I’m over the break up. I don’t think I’m at that point yet What helped was the women in pt. They fussd over me in my new clothes. Me, Lynn and Darla had a hug fest. Kayla called pme a stud muffin. All of this served to sooth a very shattered ego. 

Then I keep telling myself I have to move on. There is really no point wallowing in self pity and being a miserable old man.That will only make me sick and it will not bring her back. This is slowly sinkingin my head. I have no choice but to move on

So I’m going to live my life. I feel wide awake right now. This is good because I do not want to sleep all day. I have a newspaper and books to read. I want to get back to reading the New York Timetheyj served s during the day and my books at night. This is impossible  if I sleep all day.

1:07p.m.  I didn’t do too much reading because I fell asleep. I slept almost all morning. I was awakened when they served lunch. I had two bowls of beef stew, green beans and a dinner roll. For desert I had sliced peaches. Then I had a cup of coffee and a fruit punch. 

I talked briefly with the psychiatrist while eating lunch.We talked about the breakup. I didn’t want to go into detail. I didn’t want to talk at all about it . She asked how long we been together. I said going on seventeen years. Then she asked if I am ok about it. I said I have no choice but to be ok. That was the extent of our conversation

They are having a coffee social in the Fiesta Room at 2:15. This is the one activity I enjoy participating in.Here, they hand out local papers for residents. But I like to bring my tablet and read the Times. I also like getting the extra coffee. I hope someone comes to take me to this event.

3:04p.m. I just got back from PT and the coffee social. I didn’t do very well at PT today. I did one reaching exercises. Then, I think, I stood for one minute and forty-five seconds. Then Lynn took me to the coffee social. I had two coffees and read a little of the New York Times. Also briefly exchanged a few words with a nice lady who sat by me.  I had a nice time at both.

Then I started wondering about Chocolatechip. I still look at her diary.So saw she hasn’t written anything. Right away I thought something terrible happened. I thought about calling her to see if she is ok.But she told me not to call or message her anymore I am respecting her wishes. I just hope nothing bad happened to her.

I am thinking I should just forget about her.i think I’m honestly trying to move on. I just cannot let go of her. I still love her and care very much for her. I used to tell her all the time “I will always love you.” These were not words out of my mouth. I will always love her. This is why I cannot let go.

After five cups of coffee I’m wide awake. I wish I could go back to sleep. I feel a bit tired and wired I told Lynn today all I’ve been doing lately is eating and sleeping. She said that is not good. She is rigjt.bit isn’t good. I can’t seem to get out of this mode. What else is there in my life? 

I just called her and left a message. I said I was worried and will always love you. She probably won’t return my call.

505p.m. My briefs were cutting into my private parts almost all afternoon. It is a got to be very painful? Also had a couple incontinence episodes. I finally got changed thought I and feel much for better. 

I’m waiting for supper. They are serving chili, cornbread and broccoli.i think this is the first time I had  chili here. I bet it won’t compare to Chocolatechip’s chili. She had a special recepie that wad out of this world. She is a wonderful cook and that is one of many things I miss  

I just had my dinner drinks, two more coffees and a fruit punch. I will probably piss a river tonight. I had a total of seven coffees today. I don’t care I love my caffeine At least  the coffee kept me up for PT and the social. Also with all this coffee I should be able to stay up and read my book.

6:,23p.m. I just had two bowls of chili. It was a bit spicy for my tastes but I   can’t complain . I will say Chocolatechip’s chili is better. She also wrote on her diary. She didn’t seem too happy. But at least I know she is among the living. 

,7:31p.m. I can’t get into my book tonight thanks to a massive depressive episode. I was doing so well until I read her latest entry. I started thinking about her and  began to miss her. I miss her very much and the pain of this loss is unbearable right now I wish I could fall asleep and never get up. I wish I could die.

I’m not, repeat not, going to do anything stupid. I’ve been in bad situation before but survived. This breakup is turning out to be the worse. After all, Chocolatechip was the love of my life. We have been through a lot of shit together. I thought we would last for the duration. It hurts. It hurts big time but I will eventually move on.  

Right now I feel so alone and lost. I just wish I had somebody to talk with. But I have no one. I’m 71 years old. I have zero friends and am estranged from family. Chocolatechip was my only friend

I tell myself I need to suck it up. These thoughts and feelings are not doing me any good. I just cannot let go. Jesus, I don’t know. Right now I wish I could get good and drunk and forget about this mess.

9:01p.m. The aide is putting my roommate to bed. I am kind of wired up and am not sleepy I want to stay up a little longer. About  a million thoughts are running through my head. They are all about Chocolatechip. I would like to get them all out of my system. But I just cannot think straight. These thoughts and all that coffee are keeping me up and making me very restless.

Nurse forgot to give me my nightly meds. I went  to  the nurse’s station to get my happy pills. I’m not sure what all I’m taking. There are five or six in the cup. She also gave me a Tylenol for arthritis. Now I am good to go. 

As for Chocolatechip I cannot believe she dumped me just like that. The more I think about it the madder I get. What hurts the most is she still talks to her Steubenville friend over the phone. This really pisses me off. I’ve been there for her and listened to her endless problems for seventeen years At times I was her only friend in that friggin high rise. I literally saved her life one time.Now, after this dump I feel like chopped liver.

We have broken up many times before in the course of our relationship. She always came back. I was always glad to take her back. But I think this time is a permanent breakup. That is ok with me because I’m not sure I want her back. The pain of it all is so unbearable.

This is one of many thoughts rolling around in my head. I’m also thinking did we really have a good and healthy relationship? I thought we did. Like I keep saying Chocolatechip wad the love of my life Now I’m beginning to wonder if we had some kind of co-dependent thing going on. I don’t know I’m not a psychiatrist.

It is going on ten. I’ve been ruminating about her all night long. This needs to stop! These thought areonly making things worse.May God help me I just cannot let go.