12/23/22 Friday

5:44a.m. I had a very good evening. First, Chocolatechip contacted me on Messenger. She got by 6:30 We chatted for a long time. Matt, Elaine’s son came up as well. He ffixed Chocolatechip ‘s new cell phone. Then they exchanged gifts. Chocolatechip will not open hers until Christmas. Then they went on their shopping expedition

The three of then stopped at Aldies, Walmart,and M&B where Chocolatechip got her cigars Walmart was crazy she said but Chocolatechip got her provisions for the storm. She also put money on her debit card. Then they stopped at Bob Evans. Chocolatechip had a BLT with fries. In short that eycall had a successful outing.

We chatted for about an hour. I was telling her about my day I said I read the NYT. I also said I had a mild bout with depression. I also talked about the upcoming storm that is going to hit most of the country. I said it is a good thing you gout out today. I also said I was glad to hear from you and was starting to worry.

I started listening to my audiobook Grand Expextions. I finished Chapter eight which wad about the Korean War. The author talked about the war’s origins. Korea was a posession of Japan After Japan-s defeat it was divided between U.S and Soviet spheres of influence. Dividing line was the 38th parallel. T.hen the author, James T Patterson, summarized the entire conflict? I found it very interesting. I also listen to most of Chapter nine which discussed Eisenhower.

I had a very rough aide. She put me to bed at nine. I stayed up until eleven then fell asleep. I had an ok nigh. I did have weird dreams. I had this one dream where I was in a bar with a couple guys I worked with many years ago. They were talking about getting a much better paying job in Pittsburgh. I wasn’t included in this conversation. In fact, they were not too happy to see me.

I slept well despite the dreams. Aides got me up and in my chair by five. Just got my coffee and oj. All I need now is breakfast.

8:51a.m. I had breakfast. It wad the usual fare of two slices of toast, scrambled eggs, oatmeal cereal, two coffees and a glass of OJ. I was hungry and ate everything. I alled Chocolatechip. We talked briefly because she had to get her work done which uconsists of getting ready for a possible power outage.

Right now I’m very uncomfortable. I peed myself earlier. It is very painful down there because the urine is irritating my skin. I cared not tell the morning aide because she was so nasty. I was taking a break sip of water with my morning meds. She sapped at me saying don’t drink all that water, you will piss yourself. I just drank enough to swallow meds but she was right. I pissed myself.

12:58p.m. Temperature is in the single didgets. I saw on FB where someone posted the weather report for Follansbee. It was 1 degree. Chocolatechip was said temp in Weirton was 0. She also said wind was up to 50 mph. We are under a wind advisory warning until noon tomorrow Winter is sure coming in like a lion this year.

I had my lunch I had two bowls of stew, green beans , a dinner roll with a bowl of peaches for desert.The beef stew was very good. I ate both bows? But I’m afraid all that gravy gave me the runs.Despite this I was off to a good afternoon until I got into it with my roommate.

I was over by the sink charging up my tablet. Roomie comes over to me in his wheelchair and parks himself self right next to me. We were touching each other we were that close. Then my phone rings. He is blocking my way o the phone. We ended up yelling at each other and exchanging a few choice words. He eventually moved going out to the hall. I was able to get to my phone but I missed my call.

I knew it was Chocolatechip because she is the only one who called. I called her back and a asked her to get on Messenger. We chatted with about different topics. She went on about her phone and tablet not working. She started to charge them both. Eventually the cell phone worked but not the tablet. We think it might be the weather affecting connection problems.

We had a nice chat. I told her about m a roommate.Chocolatechipbsaid I should talk to the social worker. I said right now I’m not going to do anything about it. ButI will if this keeps up. She then said my roommate and I do not gel. I said I have no problem until he gets up close and personal. I also said I can do without the yelling and cussing.

We chatted on Messenger for then she had to go.. I felt somewhat better after our talk.

4:06p.m. I’m afraid I did not get around to reading the paper. I had fell asleep. It is just as well because sleep enabled me to escape from the a shitty afternoon. I peed myself earlier. I asked an aide to change me. He sad he had to shower my roommate and will be back. This was a little over an hour ago. So far he has not been back. Sleeping gave me an excape route from growing frustration and anger. It is close to supper now. I probably will not get any help until after dinner.

In the meantime I’m going sitting in poop and urine. I haven’t been up too long but I am getting madder by the minute. I sometimes wonder what kind of place is this nursing home? The answer is that it is a f up. There is no excuse for this neglect. I done everything I could. I complained to the higher ups. I reported this place to Adult Protective Services. Nothing seems to help.

I wrote that last paragraph too soon. He finally got around to changing me. Boy was I mad. I’m not mad anymore but I am upset. I should not have to wait this long to get help. I should not have to wait oall afternoon for some aide to change my briefs. It’s just not right.

On the bright side supper will soon be served. According to the menu, I’m having vegetable soup, a breaded fish sh fillet sandwich, tater tots and fruit sherbert for desert. This pluse two cups of coffee ight to put me e in a better mood. I like the food in this place. It’s the sometimes lousy care that gets me down

6:16p.m. I haven’t heard from Chocolatechip. I called a couple times and left one message. I hope she is ok and has power. Once againn I’m starting to worry. With this crazy storm it is not above the realm of possibility that she might of had to evacuate the building. On the other hand Chocolatechip could of just crashes this afternoon.There are any number of logical explanations But I always think the wors. Nothing really bad happens but my imagination goes wild.

This didn’t stop me from eating supper. I only ate the sherbert and two fish sandwiches. It was ok I just didn’t have much of an appetite. I guessg being upset and worrying ruined my appetite.

All in all this had been very shitty day. It is not ending on a good note. I’m upset, very depressed and very lonely. I have nobody to talk to in this hellhole. I have nobody to talk with on the outside except Chocolatechip And it seems s to me I didn’t talk to her all that much today. This coupled with everything else that happened made for a very lonesome and depressing time.

I hope tonight will be a bit better. I hope I can escape from all the shit by listening to my audiobook. I hope I can forget about today and start fresh tomorrow.

8:12p.m I guess I I’m not going to read tonight. I just can’t concentrate because too much crap is rolling around in my mind. I’m very depressed because of all these irrational thoughts. I say that I am very depressed because Sunday is Christmas. Actually, Christmas is not making mej feel anything. It is just another Holiday. What is making me depressedbare my thoughts about being alone in a nursing home on Christmas.

I think I am thinking it is just awful being alone on this day. it is so bad I cannot stand it. This is an example of very negative thinking. Thoughts about anything can be positive. Negative or neutral. I am having very negative thoughts. Therefore, my feelings are very negative. My feelings, caused by my thinking, are making me depressed. It is not Christmas itselt that is causing depression?

It is my irrational thinking causing the depression. If I want to stop feeling depressed I have to focus on what to change. I can’t change the fact that it is Christmas. But I can change my thoughts about being alone on the Holiday and my feelings will change?

What I just described is an example of CBT or Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is supposed to help people with mental health issues such as depression. My therapist said CBT works but I could never get it to work for me. In this case being alone for Christmas wcke. Sitting in poop and urine half the day can make anyone depressed I do not think I’m being irrational.

10:00p.m.One thing that easedvmy mind somewhat was hearing from Chocolatechip. She said she took a long nap this afternoon then went to Bingo. She had a good time and sat with some people. Chocolatechip bsaidvshe won one game and got a prize. I’m glad she went and had a good time.