Peace

Today I am remindeed that death will remain the biggest mystery of all. Towards the end, 6 year-old Haylea did not even want her mother to enter her room. Why? That question keeps rolling around in my mind, and I will never know the answer. As a mother, my every instinct would have been to never leave her side even until the ambulance attendant came to carry her away. I can only take comfort in knowing that finally as of early this morning, she no longer struggles to survive. Haylea was so much stronger than any of us gave her credit for. There will be no formal funaral, but a celebration of her life this Saturday in a private home. We’ll send off many helium balloons with loving messages, have lots of good food, and I’m sure have lots of fun stories to tell.

Haylea’s real grandma and my best friend Annie (she share’s all of her grandchildren with me and I love her for that) gave me some of her favorite pictures of her. I especially loved this one. I made this MEMORIES layout from it and will make copies, frame them and give each of the aunts one at the celebration Saturday.

Thanks to my OD friends who left notes of encouragement and prayers. You all mean so much to me here. I don’t write about my personal life much anymore, but when I feel the need to, I know there are a few of you that will always be there for me. Bless your hearts. I hope you know you hold a special place in mine.

ON the personal front, work has been difficult lately, but it goes on. 98 hours this pay period. *ughhh* My housework suffers, and so does my social life. I think my male companion wishes he had someone who had more time and energy. He does understand, because he knows my hours, but…..

When there are more than a couple heavy things on my mind, I tend to get depressed. Weighed down. I know it’s not just me, but I can’t seem to help it, and I can’t just “snap out of it.” And each time it happens I’m not going to just go back to antidepressants. I have to try to pull myself out of this. I need to, and I need to do it soon, before it pulls me down too far. I want a white winter this year, not a blue one.