I AM

54 that is. And why not. The way I see it, it’s as good as any other number I can come up with. And almost better this year. I was born in 1954, so it is even specialer this year. I’m calling it my pearl birthday. In this many years one would suppose I should have gathered a few pearls of wisdom along the way. One might be right, but not nearly as right as I would have hoped.

This winter has been a drain on me mentally. Continued long work hours, lack of sunlight, stressed relations with #1 son and his kooky woman, too many commitments, a personal relationship I’m not sure about and a best friend I don’t get to see enough. For now my life seems to have changed in ways I don’t like. I hope it’s just “winter.”

Justin has been ignoring me for quite some time. Even before Christmas. He came over, but most likely out of some sense of obligation. This year, he didn’t even acknowledge my birthday. That hurt. It’s the first time ever. My birthday was March 6th. But then out of the blue he sent me an Easter card. And he called me. Both I thought were nice gestures. And then yesterday he called and said that he got to thinking that he “forgot” my birthday. And then he called today. And then it dawned on me what the Easter card, and the following phone call…. and yesterday’s birthday call was all about. Today he asked to borrow some money. When Jarad and I were talking about this last week and I mentioned his Easter card, he said Justin was up to something. I didn’t want to believe him, but I knew there was a real possibility he was right. How much like shit do I feel to know that the only reason my son calls me is when he wants something? I don’t deserve that. And then I went and said yes to boot. I’ll do it because in spite of everything, I love him. But I’m going to make it clear that we can go back to him ignoring me because I’m through with his manipulations. I just want to look him in the eye when I hand him the money and say those words.

My boys. Good Lord. I love them with all my heart and what I wouldn’t do for them. But I’m not going to let them walk all over me and disrespect me while I’m still alive. I just need the respect.

The day OF my birthday Pat (the other Pat 😉 said he was going to take me out to eat and then gave me two choices. Took me off guard because I sort of had in mind where I wanted to go. Is it me? I didn’t want to go anywhere fancy, I just wanted to go where “I” wanted to go on my birthday. I know I’m complaining, but maybe I’d rather stayed home. 🙂 I just went with the program.

And now for more complaining (because I’ve worked myself up to a mood) the other Pat was on a 10 day parrothead cruise. (and I chose to stay here) When he got back to the states he called his mom and his dog. I, on the other hand didn’t get a phone call for another 3 days while he was still on vacation and traveling home. My call came after he got back to work on Tuesday morning. And he can’t figure out why I’m miffed.

I need an attitude adjustment OR SOMETHING quickly. It seems I’m getting pissed off on a regular basis. I NEED SPRING.

NOW ummmm, please?