10/5/08

How many years was I alone? I can’t even remember. It seems like it was more years than I was married, all totaled. And when I look back, one of my fondest wishes was to have someone to share my life with. I remember thinking I didn’t want to grow old alone. Why now then, do I have this feeling that I’m being smothered. That whatever time I have for myself is never enough? So much so, that now I’m dreaming about it. What is wrong with me? I know one problem is that I’m working too many hours and I just don’t have enough time for myself. Yesterday afternoon Pat stopped by unexpectedly. It might have been nice, except for the fact that he knew I only had a little while before I was leaving for the afternoon/evening and I had a lot of things to do before that. I have a hard time getting him out once he’s here. He understands. But he doesn’t.

Last night I had a bad dream about a man. Not necessarily Pat. (but was it?) It was just a man who was clinging onto me, basically wouldn’t leave my side. Irritated and upset me, and this dream went on and on until I woke up this morning. It wore me out. After I got up I started working around the house. I came into this room and started fiddling around. I heard a knock at the door. Then the doorbell. Ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring, ring. And I froze. I just sat here frozen with this feeling of panic and almost suffocation with an almost certain knowledge that it was him. My dogs were barking up a storm, but I was quiet as a church mouse. Doors locked, curtains closed . . . . . this time nobody gets in.

I’ll say it again.

What is wrong with me?

*edit

It just dawned on me – a conversation I had with my cousin yesterday. She’d asked about coming up some weekend this month for a visit, even after I’ve told her about all of the overtime I’ve been putting in. Again, she understands. But she doesn’t. This is the first time I’ve ever had to tell her that I just can’t and no matter how much I apologize, I feel like the the worst heel on earth. I know how much she cherishes our time together. And she is someone else who I tend to feel smothered by at times even though I love her very much.