07/26/2011

I haven’t felt the need to use my diary for an outlet in a very long time. My life has been good in most respects. But over the weekend, old feelings that I thought were resolved, came flooding back to me like a bad dream and here I am. Nowhere to go with these thoughts, I sit here and attempt to put them into words. I only hope it is enough. Even with insurance, therapy is costly. Armchair therapists and friends are welcome to offer advice or insight.

It’s not my fault? No, your actions are not my fault. That you are the father of my sons . . . that IS my fault and I’ve tried over and over to forgive myself and move on. I wanted to be the best mom I could be, and the best dad I could be too. Your choice to be an abset father for most of the 23 we’ve been divorced is both a blessing and a curse. My guess is that it would have been easier for the boys if you had moved far far away, never to return. But you kept in just enough contact with them to remind them of who their biological father was. For me, that in itself is one of your strongest traits – selfishness. Always thinking of yourself, aren’t you? You you, you. It’s all about you. Even on your son’s wedding day it was all about you. In mid afternoon, you and your drunken lady friend came to the wedding and it was necessary for security to stop you before you could enter because of her staggering and the strong smell of alcohol from you both. She was told she could not enter because of this, and how did you react? Well if she can’t be there then you don’t want to be there either. In essence, you chose this drunken bitch over your son. Certainly not the first time you’ve chosen someone over your children but in my eyes this was ONE time you could have attempted to make up for all of the other times. Truthfully (in my own selfish mind) I wish the day had gone by before I was handed this information. His wedding was perfect in every other way. It was beautiful, and so were they. I was so proud of him at that moment in time. He’s grown to be a wonderful young man and it’s a shame that you were not there to witness it. I want to ask you how you could have done that. But there is no way that I would be able to control myself if I did confront you with my questions.

I probably know just as many alcoholics as you do. The bride’s mom is a recovering alcoholic and her dad is still. His girlfriend is. Members of your family are alcoholic. No one else at that wedding acted out inappropriately. Just you. You are a disgusting, self-serving, despicable, sorry ass excuse for a human being. You’ve played with your own children’s emotions from the ages of 6 when you dragged them into our divorce. At your father’s funeral it was still all about you, wasn’t it? Why was I there??? Because I didn’t divorce them, only you and more than that, they wanted and needed me there and my boys needed for me to be there. How DO you live with yourself?!? Is that why you drink? Does it numb the pain? Lessen the guilt? For how long?

I wish I could, but I can’t make you go away. Right now, the only constructive thing I can think of to do is buy a few cases of your favorite vodka and have it anonymously dropped on your front doorstep and let nature take it’s course.

I wonder . . . .