12/23/2013

 I’ve missed this place. I feel stupid describing my meals in great detail on facebook (the hodgepodge pork lo-mein i had the other day was noteworthy)…. and i don’t necessarily want to announce to my friends and family every time i just feel like crying and crying and crying. or even the other end of the spectrum, when i’m full of sunshine and bunny rabbits. 

I haven’t been able to log in to od for days and days for some unknown reason, which made me feel so panicky. So I downloaded my diary and I joined prosebox. But I went there, and it’s unfamiliar and scary, so here I am back here, until it breaks again.

I’m trying to keep my spirits up, but the holidays are hard. This holiday, especially. Boyfriend got what we thought was an amazing job, and then quit (for very good reasons), all in the span of three days. A bit of a roller coaster. I fell down the stairs, which is more comical than anything as I didn’t get badly hurt-just some bruisey knees and oddly located back aches.  I am out of money until January, which is fine, but it would have been nice to have a good Holiday dinner out, or even make something special, instead of putting something together from what’s in the freezer and fridge. No gifts this year again, it seems kind of pointless. We did manage to put together a little 12" tree with red lights,  but it sits next to a stack of unopened ceiling fans, unplugged more often than not. Work has plateau’d, as it always does at this time of year. The service light is on in my car, which I rarely use because it’s much easier to use the truck in the snow. And it’s been very, very single digits or below zero cold here. And it gets dark at 4 PM.

That terminal disappointment and unbearable sadness is trying to creep it’s way back, and I’m trying really hard to remember to count my blessings–of which there are many. There’s always this constant barrage of what Christmas is supposed to be, and even if you’ve always had a different march to a different drummer, the little voice reminding you of what you aren’t and what you don’t have seems to manage to get heard. At least for me. And I don’t mean material things… it’s the other stuff. And I think the ping is just a little louder if you once HAD that stuff.. .like the huge family dinners and grandparents and cousins and hours and hours of traditional holiday stuff.  I can’t remember the last time I saw a kid open a Christmas present in real life. Add the geographical distance and the fact that travel is financially out of the question, let alone a small, holiday-worthy feast… and it just feels… cold. and lonely.

I burst into tears the other day on a quick run to the store for some necessities. "Do they know it’s Christmastime" came on the radio. It reminded me of the 80s. and my favorite cousin, Kim, who died later that decade.  And his mom Claire, also dead. We spent all of our Christmas’s there in a group of 20+ when we were kids.  And of course, my own sweet Grandparents, and the cemetery where they are all burried in a neat little line… and how far away I am … and how maybe I’d feel comfort if I could just go sit in the grass near them for a bit, in the sun, where it’s warm and the sky is so blue all the time.

But, I’ve been through this before, and the holidays come and go just like everything else, and I know that 7 days can make a world of difference. The boy already has new work lined up, that will start the day after Christmas. And my boss is coming home from Ukraine just in time for us to travel to NYC. And before that, my mom is coming for her first ever visit. And my monthly paycheck will be magically deposited to my bank account at midnight on 1/1/2014, and once again, our bottom line, at the very least, will be covered until the boy starts getting paid from his new job. And all will be well, and January will fly by… And Feb will too, and then it will be March, and my flowers will start to come back….

It all works out… and writing helps so much. I need this, I guess.

Hope you guys are all o.k. out there in the world! Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!