07/02/2013

 the crazy train inside my head is moving too fast for me to keep up.

last night, prior to realizing that sleep wasn’t coming and watching another old movie based in italy (this one was ‘a light in the piazza’ about a developmentally challenged but hot american girl who fell in love and her mother who had to struggle with letting her)… prior to that, and attempting to go to bed early to avoid being so tired, i had worked myself into a panic that i wouldn’t be able to pull off this job and that the kitchen would never be finished (the boy did NOTHING all day) and that’d mean he wouldn’t ever get a job and i’d lose the house and yadda yadda.

earlier in the day, trixie delight, the fattest of my black babies, had a feral moment when she got locked in a vestibule and seriously peed all over the place while ping-ponging off the walls. she’s never done that before, and was only locked in the stairwell from the back of the house to the basement for about 45 seconds. howls and growls and pee. i spent my lunch break cleaning up cat pee from the oak stairs and window sills. all we can think of was that she was on her way to the litter box at the top of the stairs and got locked in there and freaked out. she hid for most of the day, but we both had a good laugh later on when we she crawled in bed with us and we called her ‘pee-pee face’ and she howled back at us in protest.

anyhoo, i think that adventure set the tone for the rest of the evening.

after realizing it would be better to watch something on tv and distract my crazy-head from obsessing and spiraling, i gave in and turned on the dvr…the movie was enjoyable and i woke up with a clear head and boy has made good progress in the kitchen. had to make a run to home depot for an extra mud ring, but the drywall should start today if he stays on task.

i made some good contacts with work today (not a whole lot of prorgress at all yesterday), and then had an awesome lunch – greek salad made with lettuce from the garden with left over gyro meat and tzaziki sauce from dinner last night on the side. was filled with love and happiness and hope…food picked from the garden that i grew, into a wash tub and then my salad bowl,… i’m so lucky to have the circumstances that built up to that moment….

and then i got the mail which contained my property tax bill. my escrow is $4000 short, and it’s due on august first.i’m trying to surpress the panic and stay focused on the good work progress, but there is a little tightness in my chest that i can feel tugging at me.

and i just got an email link from the brother that had me laughing so hard i cried.

fight or flight. my emotions are going too fast, my rational thought can’t keep up.

i want to sleep. gotta eek out another few hours of work though. 

maybe i’ll have a glass of wine after work, if it’s early enough, it won’t keep me up, and it will help relax me, i think….