The version of good I wanted to be

I haven’t written my thoughts down in years. It’s probably time to start again.

Yesterday I finally heard the words I’ve been longing for, and also dreading. “You should seek medication for ADHD”.

I was pretty certain it was coming. All signs pointed to it. I had braced myself, prepared myself. I am so mixed on my reaction. I keep sliding between overreacting and…underreacting I guess.

I feel like I have to now reframe my entire life. Or not? I mean I’ve done a lot of shit in my life that I wish I hadn’t. Some things I could have been arrested for, other things just make me feel like a bad person (there is some overlap there too).

I think that realization alone says a lot though. Deep down I’ve always wanted to be a good person, but could never be the version of good I wanted to be. I’ve heard similar stories from people with ADHD, that they wanted something so bad, but could never achieve it.

The therapy seems to be helping, and I’m fortunate enough that I should be able to afford it indefinitely. I don’t know if my insurance has a limit on how much they cover for this sort of thing. Hopefully someone with ADHD can at least get therapy covered twice a month.

My M.D. should be getting the info from my therapist soon, and hopefully I’ll be able to start trying medication in addition to therapy.

I’m still in shock that I made it through more than 3 decades without anyone nailing down ADHD. Though, I don’t think the 90’s were very helpful to children with ADHD but also did well academically. This is the 4th time I’ve seen a therapist/counselor/whatever. It’s my first time with a psychologist though, so I guess maybe that was the trick? Nothing against LCSW, but they always seemed to focus on what I should be doing, and not why I wasn’t doing it, or something like that.

I’ve always felt out of control, and I thought that most people felt that way all time, but I don’t think like that as much any more. If you don’t want to feel like that then there’s probably something wrong, at least if you feel like that ALL the time. Some people seem to enjoy feeling out of control, I don’t.