Was it a test?

remember how I was locked out my apartment last night? Remember how I said I had to sleep over at my parents house? I remember how miserable I felt. I even wrote in a private submission to my only friend bear…how miserable I felt about my life.

well the absolute strangest thing happened…the maintenance man met me by my door. The reason was because the complex does not have a key to get inside my apartment, so they had to use my key. Well, when the maintenance man turned my key; it opened so easily! I told the man: “oh, another maintenance man must have fixed it” he said: “no one was able to fix it because we needed your key; no one worked on your door”

 

so…who did? Because I tried turning it and two different neighbors who are men also tried turning it. also, another neighbor used WD-40…I don’t know if it needs time to set in but the key turned so easily by the maintenance man this evening!

my mom said there was a reason it happened. Maybe I needed to sleep over my parents that night?… Maybe I avoided an accident?.. Maybe I would have over slept that morning from my place?…so many reasons…but then I thought: maybe it was a test?

for example, I felt bad when I was locked out my place and instantly thought about all the bad things that had ever happened to me. I thought about all my bad breaks. I thought about all my difficult times and just felt like my whole life was shit.

but I prayed to God for a better life. The next morning my mom read me some words of encouragement. I showered and got ready for work, thanking God for everything. I listened to Mahalia Jackson and Aretha Franklin on pandora, singing gospel music. Then, I turned to my station on pandora and almost cried, listening to my songs. I thanked God for blessing me with the ability to sing and write songs.

I got to work right on time. I was thankful for my job…I was mostly happy…until the very end when this kid, Andrew aggravated me. But except for him (and Chance), I felt overall grateful.

only for a millisecond, I thought about quitting my job. But..excuse my French, fuck those damn kids. They are not gonna run me away from my paycheck. My dad is so funny…he’s like: “God put you on earth to be in film and music…this job is just temporary. I know you care too much at times, but you have to remember, you can’t change these kids whole entire life with a few hours during the day.”

I know that sounds mean…but it’s the truth. Their whole identity is coming from what they learn from their parents and home environment. I walk through the school hallways, praising God that I never had kids. Hallelujah!!! There is no stronger form of birth control than working with kids.

 

I’ve officially worked for kids from ages newborn to 15 years old…there is not a shadow of a doubt, that I made the right decision to not have kids…praise Jesus!!!

anyways, for those of you who have kids…man I applaud you. Such an act of selflessness. Such patience. So much of everything that I cannot put words into…I admire parents.

but back to the key, if no one did not fix the lock beforehand…then why was it jammed last night? I will never know. But what I do know, it made me realize to not compile all these negative thoughts when one bad thing happens. Easier said than done.

when I think about how I lived with Gary in a roach infested apartment, I think about how MISERABLE I was(literally ant pile sized amount of roaches from every angle of that apartment)…but to this day, Gary is still my friend. I feel safe talking to him about anything and everything. He’s a dirty pig but I love his heart. He always talks about when he got sick and how his life changed forever(he’s like a special ed kid in an adult body). He also says dying is inevitable and seems to not care much about the significance of his life in any way. I plan to help him one day…when I make it, I’m going to show him the world…maybe walk the steps of Jesus one day.

same for miss Rosa. She was born a man but she is all woman now. She got allllll the surgery. I don’t ever think of her as a man. Sure she’s super tall…but she’s all woman to me. Her mannerisms are so feminine & dainty. She doesn’t believe in God either. In fact, I think she might have grimaced every time I talk about my faith to her but now she’s been around me for so many years that she just accepts that’s just how I am. I always talk about my faith to her..not in a preaching way…but more like asking her when God is gonna turn my life around. She always says: “it’s up to us. We all have choices that lead to one thing or another. we choose what door to walk through”

I don’t want to prove to her anything. But, there’s a burning desire for me to be the walking testimony in their life. They BOTH think I’m pitiful to believe my dreams of becoming a well know singer or actress will come true. They believe it takes connections, being rich, being related to someone, and / or willing to compromise your body in some way. They are very matter of fact that a girl like me simply doesn’t have a chance. Same as my two therapists in the past; they think it’s not normal. One even diagnosed me a BPD because I was hurting myself through weed smoking & I stayed in a “delusional” mindset.

I want God to show up and show out in my life in such a miraculous way!

ever since I stopped smoking weed…I can’t seem to stop writing. I also think a lot…so much that I get headaches. I feel EVERYTHING now. It’s not a bad feeling..it’s called living in the present.

Sucks but I actually wrote some really revealing shit just now, but I still think Shervy is reading all my entries. He’s a very sneaky person who lies to my face just to see if he can get away with it…but overall, he’s super sweet and would never hurt me. But never say never…but he does seem super loyal.

anyways, I’m already for bed. I still have a facial mask on….I may or may not rinse it off….I’m so lazy right now. I’m going to rinse it off soon.

well, I never got a call back for either the film or commercial. But God revealed to me that I need to change agencies…so that’s what I’ve been working on. the same goes for my music career. I haven’t started yet but that will change soon…one thing at a time. I need to reach out to agents, then managers, then labels, then radio stations. I don’t like the fact that I don’t have anyone helping me; but it is what it is.

I looked up an artist I admired…Julia wolf. I saw her instagram for the first time..over 14k followers…she doesn’t seems to have all her shit together but she has fans I think…seems like a good amount (of fans) too. I want to reach out to her but what am I supposed to say? Hook me up?…I was hoping when she goes on tour, I could open for her …

I just need exposure…I want to find my fans. My current fans are mostly guys and a couple of lesbian girls. I can count my fans… like 44. But they are all like me though…living paycheck to paycheck. They can barely afford to pay for a concert ticket. I have one guy from far far away who keeps saying that I’m going to be his future wife. His profile picture is nice but he seems cocky. He keeps asking to talk over the phone. My last response was: when the time is right.

im getting sleepy. I want so much, but in reality, I need more time to prepare. I want to write more songs. I still have to come up with choreo for my concerts. I still need to stack up some personal funding so when I’m working on a set, I don’t have to worry about how the rent is going to be taken care of. I also need to have a certain amount set aside for a last minute flight for an audition…

Father, please help me. I love you. Amen