Sunday News

I’m watching the 11am service online of Lakewood Church; I already watched 8am service. It was really good. It spoke about how we must always try to uplift others. It made me think of the woman I saw at Walmart whom I complimented. In truth, I compliment people all the time…but this time around I will be 100 percent genuine, leaving no doubt in anyone’s mind that I’m just being “nice”…besides, I don’t want to be fake in any way.

Christmas is coming up. I dread the thought of buying gifts because my money is so low. I still have to buy my nephews something…I decided to buy them something. I’m the elder and I need to be an example. After watching church, it made me realize it’s the one time in the year, you can let others know you care about them. And I do care about a lot of people…

IM SOOOOOOO EXHAUSTED. I still need at least 4 more hours of sleep. I only slept 3-4 hours bc I drove home in the middle of the night from my parents house. I could not sleep whatsoever at my parents house. That will be the last time I ever sleep over.

I tried to call Shervin on the way home. Lately, he does this thing where I talk and he just cuts me off to talk about what is going on with him instead. Usually I wouldn’t mind at all…but it happens too frequently. He says he needs to get it out before he forgets; but I could say the same thing too…oh well, it doesn’t really matter. I don’t care really. When I got off the phone abruptly, he didn’t seem to care. When I text him that I got home safe; he didn’t even respond or text back. So I decided to just not call or text him until he wants to talk. And even then, I will wait until I don’t hold anger towards him in my heart. I will wait until I genuinely miss him to reach out and talk. I just need space now. (He text me just now… I responded back. I told him that I’m going to take a nap. I think we will be okay…)

I will hear tomorrow or Tuesday from my agency if I got a callback. Vicki Boone should have seen my audition tapes by now. I hope that she is so impressed that I’ll get both the commercial AND film! I wonder how I’m going to do my callback…but I know God will work it all out….see? I do have faith…that’s mustard seed faith-not knowing but believing.

I’ve been watching 1000 pound sisters on HBO and gained like 4 pounds from eating in bed while watching Tammy struggle with her food addiction. Today I had fished fish, rice and bread for breakfast. I wish I had the strength to fast for the rest of the day but I know the weight will come off soon. Once I start working, I begin to lose weight because my lunches usually consist of low fat meals. In fact, I may ditch the usual bags of chips this week and exchange them for carrot sticks instead…I still have to go to the grocery store.

while at work tomorrow, I have to call the food stamps office during my break. I’m also going to work on my music during my breaks. As far as work, I am going to give my all. I want to learn how they do the behavioral submissions, I want to learn each student’s behavior, I want to be open to the children so they know I’m there for them…the last thing I want to do is appear like I’m there for a paycheck. If I do that, I would feel like trash…I wouldn’t even want to go to work. I need to feel like it matters if I’m there or not. Im not planning to miss one day of work unless God blesses me with an acting job. I have gotten singing requests…but I’ve been turning them down. I also turned down a commercial because the pay was little to nothing…I just know my worth.

its only noon but I have so much to do: wash my car, get a pedi/mani, shop at the grocery store. I also need to pick out my outfits for the next two weeks for work. All of these things will take at least 5 hours to do…so I’m starting at 3pm. I want to make sure I’m in bed by 9pm since I wake up at 6am. Oh my gawd, I have so much anxiety about starting work tomorrow. But that anxiety is stemming from the lack of knowledge that I need to be more assertive and gain.

I need to rest now. I pray that I’ll actually take a nap.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I pray for Erica. She probably isn’t even thinking of me and I hope for this to be true. But if she ever wondered why I ghosted her, please let it be evidently clear why so she won’t have any malicious intend towards me. I pray for my peace…let my mind not think of things that no longer serve me. I pray for protection while I drive…with my new job I’m averaging about 300 miles each week. I pray that those long car rides will serve me in a positive way to clear my mind before and after work. I pray for a good support system, so I can get good advice when needed. I pray for love at the right time in my life(if I’m meant to have a partner). I pray for my finances. I pray for renewed energy to get things accomplished. I pray for my voice and acting ability. I pray for my stage and camera presence so people will be captivated whenever I perform. I pray you send me the right roles and the right lyrics to write/sing. Let me choose the parts that will give light and help people. I pray for my soul. Take away anything that is not of you Father…all the doubt, past hurts, past habits, current thoughts that don’t operate in faith. Let me choose to do right at all times. I pray for my hairstylist, Miss Rosa…she doesn’t believe in You…please work on her life in such a way where she turns to You. I think her disbelief is wrapped around her lifestyle choices..I don’t know what to say about Miss Rosa..because her gender identity stops her from maybe wanting to fully embrace You. I actually can’t wait to see how that story will unfold before my eyes with her. I wonder if she will stay in my life or was she only here for a (long) season of my life. I pray for Shervy; help me navigate how to be with him. I pray that when my first LA job comes, you will position me where I don’t need to rely on him. But help me discern how things should go between us…I never want to break his heart. I pray for help with a new car, a new place to live with a washer/dryer, and a career that I’m so passionate about. Send me Godly individuals to work with…give me the strength to stay away from weed entirely. Help guide my steps. Give me beauty for ashes. Thank you for my health and the health of my family. Let me be able to get some sleep now. In Jesus name, amen.