Got my 1st threat

I woke up twice from my sleep last night, thinking about work unintentionally. I feel there is no room for me to connect with the children. It is a day by day surprise. I have not been taught how to input their information for their conduct. I have not been taught how to properly restraint a child. The people I work with are always leaving me in the class to fend for myself.

I wrote an email to the principal this morning to ask for help. I asked for her discretion, and she actually passed through the last two periods and saw for herself, first hand, what was going on. I kept silently praying because I was nervous. I was nervous the principal might mention to someone that I asked for her help.

God definitely came through today. God showed me exactly how to finish this year out with these kids. There are two other people I work with in the classroom. There’s a man who looks like Mr. clean and a 27 year old woman who is easygoing(the kids absolutely adore her).

at the end of class, I said I was going to do a write up. Chance called ME a bitch because I defended the woman in my class, and for wanting to write him up. Then Andrew instigated and wanted to know what was going on: “who you calling a bitch? Miss Lundon? You calling Miss lundon a bitch?”

then he turned and looked at me and yelled: “what you looking at?”

next thing I know he goes up to another teacher and informs her that he’s going to be violent towards ME.

I instantly lost my shit (on the inside)…my blood was boiling. I made sure that the child was written up and there was a report made of his threat. Tomorrow he will be in class with me all day in class suspension. I told them I do not want to be left alone with him. They both said that I may have to be left alone with him but they are fucked up for saying this. They know I have not be properly trained and that I have not taken a child restraint class should anything happen.

Man, he’s such a wild child. He speaks in a yelling tone and constantly seeks attention. He scares other children and even teachers but he don’t scare me. I may be way smaller than him but the rage in me compares to that of a woman whose TRIPLE MY SIZE. I imagine if we ever got into a fight, I’d have to wait for him to make the first swing then I would pop him right in the throat so I’d never hear his loud annoying voice again. My dad wants me to quit but I’d be damned if I let a 13 year old with a second grade reading level scare me away from a paycheck.

I’m so ready for this kid but I’m trying to have love in my heart. It just angers me how some women have children but refuse to put in the time to properly raise them. Or how some men just leave women to fend for themselves and not stick around to help raise their child. Andrew got a stepdad he hates… I feel sorry for his parents.

anyways, it looks like I’ll be having help starting tomorrow. I will be having an assistant principal visiting the last two periods so I am no longer left by myself. And I learned a valuable lesson, which is to not give a fuck anymore. Just get my paycheck.

In fact, starting this weekend, I’m writing up my own damn curriculum for my damn self when I go to work. For example, on Mondays I study lyrics, on Tuesdays I write to labels, on Wednesday I study how to write a script, on Thursdays I post on social media platforms, on Fridays I study this or that….you get the gist. I’m bringing my “work to work”.

It sounds like the job is stressful and is getting to me but it’s not. I feel like I am still learning and not everything will come easy. There are a lot of bonuses to the job. I can use my phone in the bathroom anytime I want, I often take breaks by walking in the school hallways, there’s a faculty room where I can relax inside for thirty minutes during my lunch break, and the day actually passes by quickly…because it’s like being back in school. I remember enjoying middle school, so I kind of enjoy this job. No homework to bring home and I get a paycheck:)

i just hate that my life is now: work eat sleep work eat sleep work eat sleep…for five days a week. What an awful existence. I’m slowly dying everyday and the majority of my life is spent working. How crazy and sad this is!…I wish I was born rich, or had help…but nope it’s just me.

Every time someone asks me if I have a boyfriend and I say yes, they say: why are you working?!?

I personally find it strange if women depend on men totally. My mom depends on my dad & my sister depends on her husband…but they are married. Both my mom and sister had/have jobs that they were/are passionate about. if I was married, I would not be able to be that comfortable knowing I’m relying on a man for all my money. I want my own money…

besides in my eyes, nothing is ever free. You gotta compromise in some manner. That’s why if I marry, he gotta be super duper amazing and attractive…but I got trust issues. Like even with Shervy, I think he reads my entries. But probably not since I have said some things that would hurt his feelings.

I hope I hear back from the Atlanta agency soon. I will keep trying to get representation. I even want representation in London. I may as well look into NYC as well….

Dear Heavenly Father, I question you so much. Even just now I was wondering why isn’t it “Heavenly Mother”? My faith is probably only big as a mustard seed…but I wish it were much bigger. I just feel like my life span thus far has just been a shit show….excuse my language. I know others have had it worse and it all comes down to the choices we make but I pray something good will come out of this job. I pray for my mental health, for protection against evil, and the strength to go after my career, while having this job at the same time. A lady told me today: “if you want something really bad then you will work hard to get it”. Well Father, I BEEN working hard… I’m not going to ask when or how much longer… instead, I ask that it’s everything I dreamed of and more. I imagine my heart being so full of joy. I imagine becoming a cry baby because I’m so overjoyed at the life I’ve wanted and worked so hard for. Thank you Jesus for everything you’ve done (and doing) for me. I love you, amen