Restless

It’s 11:30 and I’m awake.  On a Saturday.  This sucks.

I didn’t go out last night because their party stayed closed with the sorority.  Alex called around 4am wanting me to buy him cigarettes.  I had just bought him a pack earlier in the day.  He asked me why I wouldn’t do him that favor.  I told him I was sleeping and I had just bought him cigarettes.  I also said I do plenty of favors for him.  He said he did stuff for me.  I asked what.  He said we hang out a lot.  So I asked if that was doing me a favor.  I thought he hung out with me because he liked being with me, not to do me a favor.  He said I knew what he meant, but no, I didn’t.  I said if he thought hanging out with me was doing me a favor, don’t bother doing me any favors.  He said to stop saying that.  We talked for a little longer and he said he was going to sleep because he didn’t want to get into an argument.  Our relationship is such shit.  It’s really rare if we get through a day without arguing.  Sometimes you need to throw in the towel and give up on people, but I’m not at that stage yet.  I don’t know what I’m fighting for, but all I do know is that I can’t be without him yet.  I’m not ready for him to be out of my life.

I do love him.  I’ve never told him that, but I think he knows how I feel.  He told me he loved me once, but later on said he didn’t remember saying it.  I asked why he would say it if he didn’t mean it, and he said he didn’t know, he must have felt like it was the right thing to say.

Eating for today:
bowl of special k with skim milk
some cherry koolaid

I need to go to the gym today.  Maybe that will take me out of this shitty mood.