Random Ramblings

The constant worrying and stress is killing me.  I’m trying not to be a neurotic freak who has to know where he is every second, but I can’t help but think that he’s doing stuff behind my back.  I don’t want to care anymore.  I try to have the attitude of "we’re best friends and we always will be and I just need to chill and let shit happen".  It doesn’t work.  I stress and worry and make myself sick all the time.  Half of the time I don’t even know what I’m upset about.

I’m thinking about going back on my medicine for anxiety.  I feel like a fucking loser, but I can’t take this anymore.  I’m fucked up in the head and I need help, no matter how much I don’t want to rely on drugs.  It’s not fair.  I don’t want to be the headcase on anti-depressants, but I think it will make things a lot better.  It will calm me down and ease my worrying.  I guess no one really needs to know about it, but I feel like a dirtbag taking a pill everyday to level my moods.  I just can’t take the stress and anxiety anymore.  I want to be an easy-going, happy person.

Oh, I’m also worried that if I start taking the medicine again, I’ll feel happier and not feel the need to diet.  I’ve lost 15lbs and I need to lose another 20 at least.  I don’t want the pills to change my thinking and make me start eating again.  I know that if I lose weight I’ll be happier.  So I keep thinking that maybe I don’t need the medicine, just to lose weight.

I want to make things easier for us.  I know it puts a lot of pressure on him when I’m stressed and take it out on him.  Or the fact that I am so unhappy with myself and I hate myself so much that it makes me paranoid and suspicious.  I just need to stop over-analyzing everything.  I don’t even know if I’m making any sense right now.

I’m trying to focus on the good things.  Like that he said I am his best friend, there is no one he trusts more or that knows more about him.  He tells me everything.  But he’s immature and doesn’t want to be tied down.  He wants to be able to make out with other girls and perhaps even sleep with them.  I don’t know if he would sleep with another girl, but I wouldn’t be surprised.  He says he doesn’t want to hurt me, but his own selfishness always takes control.  See, I was supposed to be talking about the happy things in my life, and it turned into bad stuff.

So anyway, this summer we’re going to Cape Cod for a week.  It’s going to be me, him, and four of our friends.  Him and I are sharing a room and a bed.  I’m really excited about that.  Sleeping next to him and being with him for a whole week, with no stress.  All we’ll do is go to the beach, drink, and be lazy.  Perhaps I’m being stupid and idealistic.  I don’t know.  All I do know is that I need to stop acting like a basketcase.