Long Weekend

I got back from Québec City last night around 7:30p.m.  I had so much fun this weekend.  So much that I didn’t want to come back.

I hung out with Alex last night because he imed me as soon as he saw I was back.  I know I missed him this weekend, but I didn’t really want to see him.  Seeing him just shows me that I’m nothing to him.  I thought maybe he missed me this weekend, that was why he wanted to see me last night.  We just sort of hung out for a little while, then he left with a friend.  So I hung out with his roommate for a little bit then left.  I love being at someone’s place to hang out, then being ditched…  He asked me to come with them, but there was no way I was hanging out with his friend.  We used to be really good friends, and I have no idea why he hates me now.  And really, I don’t want to hang out with someone who thinks I’m disgusting.  Really makes me feel great.  I don’t really know what I’m going on about.  I just felt great this weekend without him.  I didn’t feel shitty about myself and I didn’t feel worthless.  Now I’m back here and it’s all the same again.

I give him so much and I get nothing in return.

He asks what I mean when I say that, he says I never ask him to do anything for him.  I don’t want him to do anything for me.  I always tell him I just want him to be nice.  He says he is nice.  I don’t even understand what I’m trying to say, so I don’t know why I think he should.

He says he cares about me.  I want to see it, I want to feel it.  Words mean nothing.  Words are empty.  You can say anything, but when you show it, that’s what matters.  I guess that’s what I mean by I want him to be nice to me.  I want him to hug me, kiss me, hold my hand, put his arm around me, things he used to do.  I want to feel that he cares about me.  There are only really two times I’ve ever felt how much he cares, and they only lasted like a minute.   On his birthday last year, I fell and cut a gaping hole in my foot on a rock.  He helped me back to my car, then cleaned it when we got back to his apartment.  When we were sitting on the couch, I had my foot on the coffee table and he had his arm around me.  He hugged me close and kissed my forehead.  It was such a loving and protective thing to do, like he was really concerned about my foot.  The second time was when we were leaving for summer break last semester.  We were by my car and he hugged me like he truly would miss me, and when my eyes started to tear, he shook his head and just kissed me like he meant it.

I’m not over him in the least bit.  I can keep lying to myself and everyone, but I still love him.

I just want to be past this part of my shitty life.

Anyway, let’s get onto the eating portion of my weekend.  I ate breakfast and dinner on friday.  I had a delicious crepe with chicken, cheese and mushrooms once we got to Quebec. 

Saturday, I had a croissant with jam, then we went to a lebanese restuarant where I had a taouk?  I think that was what it was called.  I think that’s the french word for the lebanese word, lol.  It had chicken, cabbage, lettuce, tomatoes and it was wrapped up in some sort of yummy bread.  Dinner, I had a tomatoe bisque soup, caesar salad, and a margarita.  I really was saving room for dessert, and I got this caramel custard that tasted like eggs, so I gave it to Amanda.  I hate eggs.  I ended up getting a chocolat chaud blanc (white hot chocolate) later at a cafe, so it worked out. 

That was also the day that we walked a TON.  That’s probably why I ate so much.  Quebec City is one big hill at a 90 degree angle.  It gave me a great butt and thigh workout.  So, basically I was walking all day saturday.  We started at 10a.m. and I got back to the hotel around 2a.m.  I definitely had my workout for the weekend.

Sunday, I had lunch at a great bistro.  I had a ham and chedder sandwich with lettuce and greens, on homemade bread.  It came with mayo on the side, but it was so good that it didn’t need it.

I didn’t make myself throw up at all this weekend.  I think that walking everywhere for three days makes up for that.

I want to live there.  I have nothing here anyway.  I should just move there.