Influence

So, I decided to write an entry because I’m home alone for once.  I haven’t been alone in who-knows how long.  It feels good but depressing at the same time.  I’m kind of aggravated but that’s another story.

I came on here to write about food and that’s what I’m going to do!  I’ve been pretty…okay.  Good would be a huge exageration.  I decided to give up soda and sweets because I’m a fatass and disgusting.  I also went to the gym twice this week and I am going again tomorrow.  It’s a start, right?  I had a bad episode last week and fell back down the slope just a tad.  I can’t even remember now what I ate to feel so disgusting, but I had that old feeling of needing to get rid of it asap.  I "took a shower" and purged everything, then downed a glass of water and purged that as well.  I don’t really know what came over me because I haven’t had those feelings in a while, but there they were.

I haven’t weighed myself in months because I’m scared of the number.  Maybe it would scare me into being good though…hmmm.  Probably not.  The scale always wins whenever we come head-to-head.  It’s odd how a small electronic can make me feel so inadequit. (Okay so spell check isn’t working tonight and I don’t feel like looking up how you actually spell it, so please mind my errors tonight)  Another thing that’s odd to me, no matter how disgusting I feel, Dave always tells me I’m perfect and beautiful…maybe he needs new glasses.  It’s one thing having your family tell you that you’re pretty, it’s another when you find someone you want to spend your life with, AND they think you’re attractive.  I don’t know, I don’t think I’m an ogre but I do know that I don’t see myself as others see me.  I hate when people at work give me random compliments because I feel so awkward after.  Anyway, I don’t really feel like bashing myself anymore on here because I do it enough in my head.

We had an early Christmas at my house today and yesterday because we’re all going home for actual Christmas.  Dave got me Uggs and a pink saphire and diamond ring.    He got me other things as well, like undies and some gorgeous super-high heels.  My boy has good taste.  Anywho, I’m going to wrap things up here since I’m rambling.