I’m Trying So Hard

So, the whole thing my last entry was about has blown over.  He made up a bunch of excuses and said he was really sorry and he had fucked up again.  I’m the stupid one and I gave him another chance.

I came back to school on Saturday and he asked me to ride with him to pick up his brother at the airport.  It was three hours there and three hours back.  He told me that he enjoyed my company and really wanted me to go.  So I went and we actually had fun.  We laughed like the whole way there and on the way back we just made eyes with each other because his brother is really weird and we just looked at each other when we wanted to laugh.  So we got back that night and we were supposed to drink, but things ended up being a brothers only/rush party at the frat house, and he said he would call later and meet up with me.  He called at like 2:30am and wanted a ride.  I told him no, so he said he was going to drive.  I went because he is stupid enough to drive when he’s drunk.  When I got there he wanted to stay on the couch for a minute because he was wasted.  He asked me to lay with him and I said no.  I started shivering so he came over and wrapped me in a blanket with him.  We ended up going back to my place and we layed together for a while, and he kept trying things.  I kept saying no.  He asked why I wouldn’t just let things happen and I told him because I would regret things in the morning.  He asked why and I said because I just would.  And then he tried to make me feel guilty by saying "oh, so you regret me".  But I just said to shut up because he knew it wasn’t true.  So he kept asking why I would regret things and I finally told him it was because I don’t want to do things with him then know he’s out hitting on other girls the next night.  He just said "oh".  So we didn’t really do anything and he slept over.

It just really pisses me off because I want to stop this, but I don’t want him to stop wanting me.  And I don’t want to stop wanting him.  Does that make any sense?  I don’t think I’ll ever find someone else that I care this much about, and I don’t want to lose that, but I can’t keep putting myself through this shit.  I make it okay, through the day and everything.  But when it comes to night, all I think about is how he used to want me to sleep over just because he enjoyed being with me.

I wasn’t this upset over break, but it’s this fucking town.  I hate living alone.  I’m not used to it.  I do have a suitemate, but we never really talk.  I just want to get out of this part of my life.  I can’t see my life without him, but I seriously need to get over that.  He doesn’t love me and he never will.  I’m just not the type of girl someone falls in love with.