I’m scared

I haven’t written anything in almost two years, and I guess it’s a good thing because I usually only write when I’m upset.  That doesn’t mean that I haven’t been upset in the past two years, I just haven’t gotten low enough to need somewhere to vent.  So that brings up the question of why I’m writing now.

I don’t know what to do.  I think I’m in a really bad relationship and I can’t get out.  I’ve been seeing him for about three months, and while he says he cares, he has a real problem showing it.  I feel like we’re friends with benefits and nothing more.  We see each other everyday and we’re really close, but not where we should be.  He doesn’t do normal things that a boyfriend would do, like hold my hand or kiss me in public.  When I say anything to him about it, he says it’s because he’s not my boyfriend.  We’re not official because he says he still has feelings for an ex-girlfriend, even though she has completely moved on.  He tells me he’s not ready yet and he doesn’t want to get into a relationship when there are still feelings for someone else.  I think it’s just an excuse to not feel bad if he cheats on me and to keep his options open in case something better comes along.  We have so much fun together and sometimes I feel like I’m putting too much work into this relationship because a relationship should not feel like work.  He can be really caring and sweet at times, like when I’m sick or hurt myself, but there’s still this nagging that he’s going to cheat on me or break my heart.  When I question him about cheating he says that I can’t get mad at him because I’m not his girlfriend.  That hurts so much when he says that.  I mean, if he cares as much as he says he does, why wouldn’t he want to be my boyfriend?  Why wouldn’t he want to make things official?  What is he so afraid of?  I want to get away from him for the summer as soon as possible so I can stop feeling for him and get over it because it’s only hurting me but I know that when I come back in the fall, I will fall for him all over again.  I keep telling myself that it’s better that we’re not together because we’re both going home for the summer in about two weeks, but it just doesn’t feel right that I’m constantly paranoid about him cheating.  His ex-girlfriend is coming back to school here next fall and even though she has a boyfriend she’s completely in love with, I’m afraid that he’s going to be chasing after her again.  He did that while she was here last semester and I know he still has feelings for her.  I can’t handle being number two on his list.  I’ll never be as good as her.  On his birthday, he wanted me there.  I wasn’t going to go to the bar with him, but he wanted me there.  Then, later that night she called to wish him a happy birthday and he went into the bathroom to talk in private.  I overheard him ask if they could ever be together again.  He didn’t understand why I was crying when he came out.  He said he was just joking, but that’s complete bullshit.  He wouldn’t have said that as a joke.  I need to break it off.  I keep telling myself this, but I can never bring myself to do it.  I need to.  I need to stop letting him make me feel so shitty.  I need to him to stop making me feel second best.  If he loves me, he needs to prove it.