Flip Flop

After a horrible day Tuesday, I had a great night.  After a good day Wednesday, I had the worst night ever.  Alex and I aren’t speaking right now.  I’m afraid that this time he really won’t come crawling back.  It hurts like hell, and I want him to come to me, saying how he’d rather have us be friends than not talking, like he always does when we fight.  I just think it’s not going to happen this time.  I keep thinking that I’ll be better off, but I can’t even describe the pain that comes with those thoughts.  I don’t want to think about anything right now.  I want to go home and be with my mommy, but I have no way of getting there.

Haven’t really been eating much due to stress.  Now I’m sure I won’t eat for a few days after last night’s fight.  Good weightloss technique though.  Last time this happened, I lost 20lbs.  I’m just counting down the days to Thanksgiving break.  I need to get out of this town.

I’m always going to be jam packed with issues, no matter how much weight I lose.  I’m just not the type of girl someone can date.  I’m not pretty enough or thin enough to be a girl that a guy is proud to show off.  I’m psychotic, emotional, irrational, and stupid.  Actually, he’s always said I’m smart, but the rest of the stuff is what he told me last night.  He’s never said anything about my looks or weight, but I know he’s embarassed of me.  Who would want to be associated with an ugly fat girl?  I’m always just a friend.

Why can’t I be an independant woman who doesn’t need anyone?

I’m not independant at all.  I don’t want to live alone.  I don’t want to be alone ever.

He hates me and I’ll never be good enough.