Feeling Down, Yet Feeling Free

So I’ve been thinking a lot about him and our relationship.  I don’t have anything figured out, but all I know is that this is for the better.  Having him out of my life makes things so much easier for me.  I need to go back to focusing on myself and my grades.

Now onto focusing on myself.  I need to kick myself into gear.  I have gained almost 5lbs since the end of January and I can’t let anymore creep up on me.  I’m going to start going to the gym again, hopefully everyday, but at least every other day.  Aside from the gym, I am not allowing myself any drinks besides water, and no eating after 6pm.  I was a huge, fat pig today.  I was actually feeling good this morning, I was going to be healthy.  It didn’t last long.  I made myself throw up for the first time in months, and it was honestly hard to bring myself to do.  I felt much better afterwards, but I just felt like I back tracked.  So about an hour and a half after puking my guts out, my stomach was growling like crazy.  I had some triscuits and cheese.  I feel it was pretty healthy so I’m not feeling too guilty about it.

Tomorrow.  I always say tomorrow will be different, but it really will be this time.  I’m going to get up, have a bowl of cereal, go to the gym and do the elliptical for an hour, take a shower, get an assload of homework done, then have a salad for dinner and not eat anything else.  I NEED to get back on track.

Anyone out there who loves to read should go get the book I’m reading right now.  It’s called "The Perfect Fit."  It’s about a woman who lost over 100lbs, and while I’m no where near needing to lose that much, a lot of the things she goes through I can relate to.  It’s funny, this book makes me realize that I may not be the only person who thinks like me.  I don’t know, I guess you just have to read the book to see, but her self-hate and my self-hate are exactly the same.  I sometimes think that maybe I don’t have a right to feel as she does because in the book she lost over 100lbs and I need to lose around 30, but I think it’s just the same low self esteem that I see in myself.  Maybe if I could get a certain someone to read this book, he could start to understand how much I hate myself.

Anyway, I suppose I should get in bed soon.  I have to get up and motivate myself to work out.