Eat, Puke, Repeat

Things haven’t been going so well.  I’m home for Thankgiving break, and the stress level has increased.  From my mother’s nagging, to the arguing over the stupid fucking car, I can’t wait to get back to school.

Let’s see, I think I went for about two weeks maybe without throwing up.  We can say that has gone completely out the window.  I’ve been throwing up at least twice a day since I’ve been here.  The mirrors make me look fatter and the kitchen is constantly calling my name.  I ate a lot today.

Noon: pasta with butter (puked it all up)
5:30ish: steak with mashed potatoes (I was dying to get home, but I was eating out with my parents)
After dinner: warm brownie with a scoop of vanilla ice cream (I then emptied everything out of my stomach)

I’m back to feeling out of control.  I need to throw up.  I hate the feeling of having food in my stomach.  But I can’t seem to stop eating.  Tomorrow I’m going to go for a long walk.  Oh, and try to control my eating so I don’t have to vomit.

Tuesday night was good.  I stayed the night because I was supposed to have a late class, but it was cancelled at the last minute.  So Alex and I went to dinner.  After, I went back to my room for a bit and got ready.  Around 8:30 we went to get the keg and went to the house.  I drank a looooot.  We played like 3 games of beirut, then played flipcup like 6 times then played more beirut because I kept winning.  Apparently, I said that I was driving home, so Alex told Kevin and they stole my keys.  I got really pissed at Alex for treating me like a baby, when he drives after he’s been drinking all the time.  Kevin made me promise not to drive home and he gave me back my keys.  I was sort of ignoring Alex, and I saw him go over to Kevin.  So I sort of listened in and heard him say "I don’t give a fuck if she’s pissed at me.  I don’t want her driving home because I really care about her."  So after I heard that I wasn’t really mad anymore.  We walk back and he came in for a little while.  We talked and he said that he knows I do so much for him and he never shows how much he appreciates it, but he hoped that tonight showed that he really cared about me.  It was so sweet that I almost started crying.  He hugged me like he never wanted to let go and kissed me like he meant it.  I really felt how much I mean to him at that moment.  We said goodbye and everything, and he said he would try to call over break, but I understand why he hasn’t yet.  I’m sure he has a lot of family things to do.  The new, worry-free me is not nervous at all about why  he hasn’t called to say hi.  I’ve thought about it, but I just reason with myself.  This is a time for him to see his friends he hasn’t seen in a while and to see his family. 

I had a dream last night that he killed someone.  It was with a chainsaw.  I have no idea where he got it from.  We were sitting in his room with a friend of his, and I was truly terrified because I wasn’t sure if he was going to kill me too.  I was drawing triangles over and over on the table.  He said something to me, and I just sort of shrugged, kind of like how I really act when I’m mad at him.  He laughed and said to his friend "oh great, now she’s pissed at me."  Then someone knocked on the door and when Alex opened it, it was an officer.  He said something to him, then grabbed his arms and put them behind his back and cuffed him.  I ran over and grabbed Alex and started to cry.  I begged the officer not to take him, but he just ignored me.  Alex told me not to worry and that he would call me as soon as he could.  He kissed me, then I told him I loved him through tears.  He said he loved me too.  Then I woke up all freaked out.  I was tempted to call him, but it was 4 in the morning and his phone probably wasn’t even on.

All in all, today pretty much sucked.  I want to go shopping tomorrow, and I think I convinced my mom to go.  She said I could get boots before the weekend was over because she doesnt want me taking hers, which is fine because I don’t like the tops of hers.  I want a new tattoo too.  I already have it all designed and everything.  I hope to do it before Sunday. 

Night all.