Confused

Yeah, well this is going to be another debate with myself about a stupid boy.  Yes, the same one as usual.  He was away for the whole weekend.  He came back Sunday, and asked me to hang out that day.  I said I couldn’t, I had work to do.  He said okay, how about tomorrow.  Anyway, things didn’t work out during the day, so at night he called and asked me to come over.  Seeing as I don’t have a car anymore, I asked if he would come get me because I didn’t want to walk alone at night.  He said he didn’t have a lot of gas.  So I tried asking a friend, but she was busy.  I called him back and said I didn’t have a way to get there, so maybe we could hang out the next day.  He said okay.  A half hour later he was at my door to pick me up.  Nice, right?  So, today.  He asked me to meet him on campus for lunch.  It’s been pouring rain for like 2 weeks now, btw.  So I walked to meet him.  We ate lunch, then rode into town to do something for his brother, then went back to his place to hang out for a bit.  After a while he said "well I really should write my paper."  I said okay, can you bring me home quick.  He says no.  I said why not?  It’s pouring out and it’s a 5 second drive.  So he gives me all the excuses he can think of (no gas, paper to write), and I ended up walking home in the rain.

I just don’t understand his reasoning.  He knows I don’t mind walking.  It was pouring out.  I had walked home from his house the night before because I had someone to walk with.  I’m not fucking lazy, I like walking, but it was RAINING out.  Seriously, was I asking too much?  I understood he had a paper to write, I understood he was low on gas, but it was raining out.  A week or two ago when he walked me home from a party, and he didnt want to walk back in the cold I gave him my car keys so he wouldn’t have to walk.  My gas light had been on for 4 days.  I was low on gas, and I didn’t make him walk home.

So anyway, from now on when he asks me to do things, I’m just going to say no.  I don’t care if I don’t even have a reason, the answer will just be no.  I’m sick of helping him out, and doing shit for him when he does absolutely nothing for me.  If he asks me why, I’m just going to say that I don’t want to argue so I’m not explaining why I’m saying no, I’m just saying no.

I’m done expecting anything out of him.  The only thing I can expect is that he’s an asshole and he’ll always be that way.  He’s never going to change, definitely not for me, no matter what he says, no matter how many times he comes crying to me begging me to give him another chance..  He’s had his chance to be good to me, to love me, and he hasn’t done it.

God, I really hate him most of the time.

Kind of a hard transition, but I figure if you have read this far already, might as well go all the way, huh.

Eating today was shit.  I started out okay: weightloss shake and a cup of tea.  Then lunch with Alex kinda put it in the pooper.  I had chicken with bbq sauce dip and mashed potatoes with butter.  Then, later on I had waffles for dinner, with butter and syrup.  Yeah, I was a fat cow today.  Oh, that’s right, I’m a fat cow everyday.  I have to be good tomorrow.  I’m going to convince my mom to send me Alli.  And a pair of rain boots.  Not that rain boots have anything to do with weightloss

Oh, and in regards to my last entry, about getting naked in front of someone.  Honestly, I’ve never had trouble doing it.  I figure I shouldn’t be worried because they obviously want to see me naked.  I just can’t grasp the understanding of why they want to see me naked.  I don’t even want to see me naked.  But yeah, I’ve never had trouble doing it.