Thinking (too far and too much) ahead.

I’m waiting for an article to print off JSTOR but it’s taking freaking FOREVER.  It’s only twenty-five pages but it’s printing only one page per minute.  I’m going bonkers.  Because, of course, I have nothing better to do than sit in the library and allow JSTOR to swallow my life.  Freaking a.  Only three more articles to go ….

The semester is closely drawing to a close and I’m ready to beat my brains out.  Not because it is intrinsically too stressful but I am making it so.  I want to hear from Steve at work so there will be no more wondering about what’s going to happen next month.  I need to prepare, etc. — it’s my nature — but I won’t get it.  Working 36 hours next week, which isn’t a big deal in and of itself, but the actual schedule is awful.  Open Thuesday, close Wednesday, morning Thursday, close Friday, mid Saturday.  I’m never going to sleep.  I can’t not sleep.

Went to Bryan’s late last night and he made me angry.  Sometimes, I really need to be held and told I’m beautiful and he loves me and we’re perfect together.  Last night ended up being one of those nights but I got nothing.  It’s cast a shadow over all of today.  I can make us so frustrating.  I don’t know; it’s worth it, right?  I’m the only one who can answer that and I say yes but is it to him?  I know it is to him.  He just feels complacent, content with things where they are.  I’m preparing for a “real job” and a salary and taking over all of my own expenses and really doing it all on my own.  It’s exciting but I need — no, I want to know if he’s really ready to come along for the ride.  If we’re really in this together.  I want to ask him where he sees himself in a year, 5 years, 10 years — and if I’m in those pictures.  Every day, I want to know more.  But it’s really not that important, I guess.  It’s all relative.  We’re young.  But he’s talking about Florida.  Me in Florida?  I don’t know ….  It’s so much easier to stomach Berkeley or even LA or Washington — but Florida?  I have serious qualms about it.  It’s so far away from home and family and everything I know.  It’s not another country but it seems like it.  He would be the only thing there for me.  I would have to find everything else on my own.  I won’t live with him unless we’re married.  If I went there, I shouldn’t have too much trouble with a job transfer but I would be on my own a lot after that.  He will be busy with school; I will be busy with work.  I won’t be able to depend on him for a social life; I could but it wouldn’t be productive.  Me, all by myself, living and working and loving, in Florida?

Would he even want me to come?  To move there with him?  After all, he will be busy with school and supporting himself.  Would there be time for a relationship?  Would it be better to stay long-distance?  I don’t really want to, though.  I’m tired of Fresno.  It’s nice enough, and I have friends here, and a job, etc. but I want to live somewhere else.  It will be a good time for spreading wings and learning a little. 

But in Florida?  I don’t know why I’m adverse to it.  It’s sun and sand and — all the way across the country ….

I’m getting ahead of myself, eh.

But am I wrong to be thinking this way?  Sure!  Come on, Erica, live a little!  Have fun, be merry, don’t be so set on tying yourself down!  I can’t help it.  I’m not — I like security and nesting and sharing life with someone.  Bryan is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with.

This sucks.  You shouldn’t have to read this.  Done.