snippets
He told Ezra, his DM, about me — that I’m a really good ASM and very by the book. Apparently she’s really interested in me (duh, she should be). And I guess there’s a 6a-6p store opening in January that needs a strong ASM. Sooo tempting … but I don’t think it would work out. It’s too soon — would have to tell Autumn, find an apartment, save a ton of money, and move in five months.
….
My biggest concern would be that something would go wrong with graduation and I’d be locked into moving without a degree. Would have to try to finish online or at another school. And moving plus another semester would NEVER fly with my bank account.
….
Security deposit = up to $400
Rent = up to $600
Moving (hotel, gas, trailer, etc.) = a ton of money
There’s no way I’ve saved or will save that kind of money. Bryan’s locked in [to his current lease] until July; that’s what can be planned on.
….
I’m supposed to meet with Autumn on Friday to talk about my PIAT [presentation for store manager interview]. *sigh* I feel stupid and cowardly but I’ve been living out other people’s expectations for the past month. But what’s really important to me? To be able to move as soon as humanly possible. A one-year commitment to Fresno — I find very little appealing about that. The longer I stay here, the farther away I am from him. I think I feel a little "unqualified" to make longterm decisions [right now]; I’m afraid that I’m acting only out of weakness and desire and not taking into consideraton what’s best for me. Or at least things I feel like I’m supposed to be taking into consideration [according to people around me]. It’s like I’m supposed to be thinking, I know I want to be with him ASAP but it would be better for us in the long run to promote, etc. here. But I don’t feel that way. I feel, Get me to Bryan ASAP!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel that with every fiber of my being. And I know the difference. I have felt and still feel the first way about Bryan going to graduate school [in general] and Case [specifically]. Both prospects would be extremely difficult but are necessary and important for his/our future. I’ve also never really wanted him to stay; I’ve just wanted not to be apart. But him leaving fits into understanding us and where we’re going. Me staying longer in Fresno simply doesn’t. It doesn’t feel right. And this is where is comes back to, do I really know what’s best for me/us or am I being overcome by pure, illogical emotion? *sigh*
Rereading that, I’m not sure what I meant comes across. I guess that’s why it’s in my real journal and not original to here. In the end, I want to move, and I want to move as soon as possible. I want that because it feels like what’s supposed to happen, not just because I miss Bryan. I’m concerned that these feelings and "knowings" stem from missing him, not from what’s best for us in the long run. I think it’s bigger than that, but I’m not confident enough to say for sure. And that’s that. Which means it’s NEVER just that, but it will have to stay there for at least tonight. Goodnight.