Why do I do this to myself!

SO HP calls and I’m excited. I spoke to him briefly but I was working so I said i"d call him back. I was suppose to when he called the day before but I didn’t. I have a reason not to, I just didn’t. So, last night he calls and I knew we were supposed to to hang out but for some reason I wanted to stand him up. I wanted to hang with him and spend some time with him but I just felt like not doing it. I guess part of me wanted to cuz I know he does it to me a lot. Idk he does it on purpose but I am. Just to teach him how it feels I guess. So he calls from like 12 noon until 7:30pm when he finally reaches me. I kept pressing ignore and he knew I was. So I call him and he’s like what are you doing, where are you and I say at home and I was busy. Doing what he asks and I just say busy. He says well but J takes the phone and starts doing some dumb stuff and I go hey guys blah blah blah and he says what are you doing and I say nothing and he’s like well come with us. I’m like no you guys go have fun without me but he insists and says they’re on their way. I get in and he’s all over me and quite honestly, I missed him like mad but I kept pushing away from him and not wanting to kiss him and etc. For no reason, I just kept on doing it and he kept trying and asking am I mad at him and of course I’m not but I just kept pushing away. I did that the entire night. He kept making attempts and I kept pushing him away. I didn’t want to but that’s my response everytime he touches me or when we have sex. I put up a resistance and I hate that. I love him and I know I do and I know he knows and I know he loves me but for some reason, I force myself away from the guy I’m in love with. It could be that I still feel guilty about his age but no one makes mention of it but me. I know I’m the oldest in the group but yet it doesn’t matter to anyone but me and only with him. I’ve been thinking and thinking about why I do this and I’m afraid I’m going to push him away for good cuz when a person keeps feeling like they’re not wanted, they’ll leave. I have to get out of that phase with him and just express what I feel for him but what if he doesn’t feel the same way I do? Maybe part of me knows he doesn’t have  the strong  feelings I have for him and I’m afraid of getting hurt. Whatever the case may be, I’m putting myself at risk for losing the guy I like……………. It’s bad enough I accidently sent him this rant on how and why I don’t like act on my feelsings as much. His response……. NO response. I got nothing and I poured my heart out. That was tres’ tramuatique! SO today, he, tc and I are suppose to be coming back to my house and doing a Fam Guy marathon and drinking. Maybe this time he won’t get drunk and puke on me and my bed! That was New Year’s and we all got sh&% faced. I was so drunk I didn’t even remember who he was they said! It was so funny! HP passed out in my bathroom and it was just a fun time had by all!