what makes it easier to stop?2

What makes it easier to stop doing something? Not even something but most of the way you live your life? A whole lifestyle that is devoted to keeping the memories at bay?

The way I push people away and put people on a pedestal only to knock them down? What makes someone good hearted and sweet call someone and leave a message on someones phone telling them they are going to burn in hell for what they did? Drugs and keeping and penting up all the anger that you cannot express out of your own safety about the abuse and hurt and pain someone is constantly throwing at you. Tearing you down everytime they see you only to make you feel so good and valuable the next moment.

But when it comes to knowing that they no longer have to build you up anymore or convince you to like or be loyal to them. I got involved with a drug dealer for about nine months now. It was never a serious relationship but it was a relationship none the less. A very deluded one where I had to rationalize and excuse a lot about the person in order to feel okay about associating with this person. It got to the point where i could no longer seperate myself from this person. They played and used me so badly. I mean they tried to use me for my money but Z could not get to me that way so he took what was more valuable my trust my vulnerability and twisted it to suit his own needs. I was so blind and in love with this scummy person. I wish I could say this person had a heart and cared but I cant. i mean I wish I could say that he did things and said the nice things to me because he genuinely completely meaned it and cared about me but the truth is he didnt. He wanted to groom me and use me and I am glad to get out now before it got too late.

When I saw this other girl he was involved with, it all started to click and it validated how I feel about this person and what he was doing. He tried really hard to isolate me from anyone he really knew and would talk about. The last straw was when he left me with her like a piece of trash. The grooming was complete there was no longer any need to manipulate me or try to control me. He accomplished that and i was now acting on my own accord in order to receive the love and respect from him I thought was just waiting around the corner.

I told him I was abused sexually at 5, I have not told a soul other than my mother about that. He is so good at doing that. He is a lot like my father. My father is also a drug dealer and preys on girls just like me. But the difference is that I am not so far gone that I am turning tricks like the girl I met and addicted to coke. There is still heart and soul in me. I am not sure if his soul is there anymore, or his emotions are even there either. He seemed so detached when i saw him. I tried like a little puppy to get and keep his attention. He turned and looked at me while he was fucking the other girl and it hurt me so greatly. I tried to detach from him and not care because I feel so stupid caring but there are so many things you cannot control and my feelings are something I cannot control.

but yeah I am finally done with him. its all done its over. i cant go back anymore. i see it so much clearer now and now know its not worth it..

i dont know if this is weird but i have a hard time even seeing him as a human being. I have a hard time in seeing any of the guys that I like as human beings. its easier that way. i just see them as evil malicious people who are out to get me. its easier to see them that way so i dont get hurt and obsess over them. I keep them at a distance so that i dont catch feelings for them. But as many times as I have been raped i have not lost my soul. I still fall in love. sex does that to me whether I like it or not. once i have sex with people on a regular basis and they are able to say and do the things that i want to hear i fall for them hard. i dont tell them and i try not to act like i care about them because i know its not safe and sets me up to them turning away and running from me or them pulling me closer to them so that they can hurt and use me more because they know they have my emotional investment and i dont want them to know how much i have invested in them. i will turn everything and everyone who is valuable to me in my life for that man because i just want the love my father could never give me. i wanted it so bad and he was always so emotionally distant from me and pushed me away from him because he got caught up in prostitutes and young girls and children and wasnt able face me and give me love that wasnt in him.

i never saw the real genuine side of him. he always lied,rationalized things and was a great actor. It was easier to just pretend that the love he gave me was real. thats why i get involved with drug dealers and thug criminal guys they are great at lying and acting and i think subconsciously and sometimes consciously i know they will never love me or care for me completely and that keeps me safe and ultimately not accountable for what i do because i dont fully love or care for them all the time or at all. i expect the worst in them. and when they do something nice i can be delightfully surprised and i guess gain a little hope that they can change or that they actually do care and love me or something. i dont really know what love is. i want to love and i think i do love and care for people but i feel as though its a foreign concept for me. i see others express and show love to other people and think to myself i wonder if thats real or just for show? or is that a manipulation on their part? is it really possible to stay with someone for the rest of your life or at least for several years without cheating or abusing them? i have not lived a life free of abuse or pain or hurt. i wish i could say that i am lying or exagerating but that wouldnt be true. my father was a fucked up person and as fucked as he was he really wasnt a big part of my life which i am glad for as much as i wanted a father love. if he was in my life and he was parenting me or trying to raise me i may a very different person. I may be a hooker or a drug dealer or in jail right now. maybe i mean i think i am naturally very cautious and good hearted and i could never do any of those jobs because i care very very deeply about people. almost too much. but the thing is i dont want to care less. i value and like that in myself the ability to empathsize and sympathsize with people. my father cannot do that. he cannot comfort me or care about me. instead hed mock me or bring me further. blaming me for getting raped or chasizing me when someone i knew died. he is a really hard person and i think he hated me growing up because i am a very sensitive person, i think he resented that i cared so much about other people and the way i saw and related to the world. i saw the good in people and i have never given up faith in mankind and the way world works. my father has given up and does not trust anyone and he will screw over and hurt people in his life really badly in an attempt to gain control and keep control and security. he screwed my brother out of a lot of money, imagine that? your own son, the one you are supposed to give money to or at least look out for. he got my brother to get arrested because he wasnt man enough to turn himself in.

but yeah. i dont know if its a new year or what, but i feel like a changed person in a lot of ways. i cannot put a finge

r on what exactly is different because it is a lot of different things. i am more vocal about what i want and what i need and i am not ashamed or embarassed and i dont feel guilty about asking or asserting it no matter what it is. getting beat up has changed my head. maybe the guy beat my head in a certain way to have a positive personaliy change or something lol. nah but i guess for me i had to learn the hard way. i had to literally fight for my life for me to wake up and standing up for myself. before i was a very reserved scared person. i am still reserved at times but i am definately not as as scared as i used to be. when someone shocks you by punching you repeatedly you arent too shocked about anything anymore. i know that others have probably gone through worse but for me i have never except once been hurt pyhsically by a guy that wasnt family. its easier to know its wrong and leave that person for good when someone fucks you up like that. for me anyways. that is breaking a trust and a sense of safety and security with a person. they dont deserve you or anything you have to offer any more.

i think about liban sometimes and how fucked that situation was. he was a lot like Z was, quiet outspoken though and a huge ego. Liban prolly had a bigger ego though. talked himself up alot. liban is actually alot like ak too. maybe more like ak actually but a bit of z in him too. i mean i think liban was bipolar among also being on drugs. liban was erractic and didnt make sense at times. he insulted me all the time and we fought alot. maybe i am just being sentimental but liban had feelings still too i think. feelings for me. not strong enough for me to stay with him or want to stay with him. maybe i am wrong in this assesment. but it seemed as though even though he never took responsibility for hurting me he seemed to have emotions still. maybe it was because we got so close at school and were going through a lot of the same stuff and knew all the same people as well. it was crazy i fell for him once again because physically i was not attacted to him at first. but i did like some of the things he said and we would laugh together and get along and hit it off well at times. we balanced each other around. but he was not the one for me. i knew that. i knew i could do better and that he could not open up his heart and who he was enough for me to stay with him. i miss him sometimes and i think about him. i will never see him again i cannot see him again. its not possible. he hurt me very badly and he broke my trust completely and messed up completely and i could not forgive him. it was the first time in my life i had to and did leave a guy who i litterally saw everyday. it was sooo hard to do. it wouldve been easy if he moved or i didnt go to school with him. i had to amazingly strong to resist him because he tried really hard to win me back and get my trust. but i knew that if i let him into my life again he would end up beating me up even worse and even proly killing me in the end and i could not risk it all for one person my schooling and life was too important at the time. i have never and will never loose everything for a guy. at times i have somewhat but it would pain me too much to give myself up like that so easily for someone who is evil mean or has bad or shallow intentions.

i mean people think that if girls give it away so easily that means that she has given the guy everything but its not true. not in my case anyways. sex for me doesnt have much value to me. i know it should because it is so intimate and wonderful and all but it really doesnt. i may have some value and meaning but i have number it out and dont really have agood relationship with it enough for me to care who i fuck. my standards are shallow. sex is nothing to me really. i can fuck aguy than leave him and never talk to him again. i feel bad sometimes that i dont have the typical girl reaction which is to care so much about aguy just because i slept with him but sometimes and most of the time i just dont care and thats that. i sometimes place value on it with someone i care about because i expect it should matter how long i wait and all that but in the end no matter how long i wait before i fuck someone i like it doesnt really matter becuse the sex i have is exploitive and cheap and dirty. its not intimate and loving and slow its based purely on control lust and desire and excitement most if not all the time. this saddens me because it doesnt match the person i am. i am not a shallow hollow person with no emotions. i care deeply for some of the guys i have been with.

anyways gonna go for now. i went on quite a tangent there.