Unravelled

So I just finished watching the movie called Trust and it was really raw; it pretty much unraveled me a bit. It is so honest to the topic of online predators and rape, the girls story could have been mine in a lot of ways. I mean the first time I got raped it wasnt from a man online but it was from a guy I had met through another guy. Lured me to his friends house where they took turns raping me. I felt like it was happening to someone else as I watched from above. Maybe not someone else but I floated to the ceiling and watched myself being raped. For a year I think I never told anyone I knew what happened wasnt right but I wasnt sure what it was and what it was called. I held it in for a long time. I was 15, one day I was in class and I just ran out and went to the washroom to cry. A guidance counsellor came into the washroom and without saying a word she asked me if I had been raped. I dont know how she knew it could have been a million other things but she guessed that. it could have been my boyfriend breaking up with me, my grandfather dying.

From then on she called in a rape counsellor to talk to me at school. It helped me a bit with the flashbacks and I felt less alone. But I was very suicidal at the time. I remeber me and my sister got into a big fight and she threatened to tell my mom that I had sex with two black guys. I sobbed on the phone to my mom and told her for the first time that I had been raped than went upstairs and took pill after pill trying to kill myself. Never in my life was I so intent on dying. I have tried to attempt suicide a few times after and before that but I still cannot believe the seriousness of my intent to die that day. My sister came home and made me throw up the pills, they were not strong pills luckily but I didnt know that and took the whole bottle. she apologized and we cried together.

I will never be the same after that. My very innocent trust in men and people from that day on was shattered instead of taking it slow with people I sped it all up. Trying to keep myself from getting hurt. Trying to take control of a situation and almost master my trauma I guess.

I am still not completely healed. I am smarter at the game somewhat. I am not as niave but I have a long way to go before I can truly respect myself and do all the right things..

Ive come so far in some ways but stuck to the same script in others. Sometimes I just wish that I would get tired of all the partying and self destruction but not so far. taking a break tonight has helped me put it all in perspective a bit though I guess. Tonight I am treating myself with respect slowing down.