The motion

So I am doing better, not 100% but better. I am eating, sleeping better keeping my crib cleaner.

I got some help from a case worker on my school loans and such which was a huge help I think without her help I would have eventually just said fuck it and decide not to go.

So she’s saving me from myself. I can be self destructive a bit because of the lack of positive reinforcement and people around me are either hating on me and jealous and unhappy with their own lives and trying to bring me down. Not going to happen, I am going to keep my spirits up.

There are crisis times in my life that make me re evaluate the things and people in my life, my therapist for one once this crisis period hit she’s no where to be seen. Phone tag and I can tell my her tone she really doesn’t give a fuck. She’s too far for me anyways.

I’ve got a new therapist now. I am meeting up with her on Friday. I already know her from a trauma group I’ve done before and I like her alot. So I think God honestly works in mysterious ways because in my mind I used to think about how great it would be to have her as a therapy. Now I don’t really beleive completely in the power if attraction but I do believe it has merits and truth. If you imagine and set goals for yourself and try and put yourself out there eventually it will come true for you somehow some way. For me anyways.

Growing up I lived in the middle of nowhere basically and I hated it at the time. I always knew I was destined for somewhere bigger. Something different. I couldn’t stand the small minds of the people around me. The holier than thou attitudes an hatred alot of the people in my town had. I didn’t know about differnt cultures or races but I knew that I wanted to know them

I can honestly say that when I got into high school there were some idiots protesting the merging of schools because of the different races that would come in. What is this the south? The dark ages? I couldn’t believe it.

I look at myself sometimes an I am amazed that I made it out on my own and in the city and that I don’t harbour the racist attitudes and entitlement that I’ve seen my "friends" have. Sure I am not completely knowledgable about everything but I am willing to learn.

<div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); “>Anyways I am so glad I am out of that small ass town. It’s such a beautiful place otherwise. So much nature and peace there but just some of the people there just think they are gods gift to the earth for some reason. I don’t think they’ve even looked in a mirror and looked at their life and their actions really and thoroughly. But what I believe is that we all go through crisises in out lives that lead us comming face to face with the disillusionment we have about our lives, ourselves and how the world really works.

It’s horribly scary enlightening and amazing at the same time.

In my life I have learned the most out of the hard times and even though I hated the hard times and I still do I realize that I am learning life’s lessons that I need for my future and survival.

I broke free of the chains that have binded me early. My family and the societal expectations that we have to continue this relationshit with them even when they treat us like shit or we just don’t understand them or they don’t really care or love us. It’s just fucked up my family was way too sick for me to continue the charade for very much longer

Anyways. I got in touch with a program for victims of child trafficing an prostition. It’s advocacy and supprt. It is a church so…..I mean nothing against churches but some of them are cultish and rigid. I grew up being a Sunday school kid it wasn’t a very warm place for me. So I do believe in God and a higher power but I just hope that its not some holier than thou place too trying to save my "soul" or something. I can usually tell the difference between someone being patronizing and indoctorined and someone who genuinely cares about helping someone and believing in them.

I’ve had to do alot of protecting myself over the years. When you come from a bad home you are prey to pimps, religions, gangs, perverts and sickos. I’ve had to really think through people’s intentions and sincereness.

I wish it was easier to trust people but right now in my life I can’t not until I get settled and get more help and supprt.

I have been having more flashbacks and panick attacks. I hate the memories. I don’t want to remeber what happened to me most of the time but I realize that I am doing a disservice to the little girl that was abused. Which is me. And if I just keep living my life in denial and pain its not going to end well for me.

I just hope that soon I can come back to the little girl and tell her that its alright and I will acknowledge the pain and horror she went through soon enough once I get enough stability in my life and genuine people and supprt. </div>

It’s very hard for me. Sometimes I wanna just give up. But I have so many goals that I wanna achieve and I want to stare down my past and not give it so much power anymore

Well in done for now.

Ciao

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