stupid ex situation

i dont know why i still see him at first it was cool and exciting but now its just downright hurtful and painful to be around him really. we are not officially going out again and i dont want to get back with him i just wanted to move slow and see where it leads but apparently its not leading anywhere really or anywhere good.

my ex is such a closed book,, one i cannot read for the life of me and it is painful trying to get the truth or honesty really from him. i have no idea what is going on in his head and i really just am ready to give up. i feel like i just end up blaming myself and beating myself up for trying in the end. but the alternative is being too scared to ask and always second guessing myself.

he is not affectionate with me only sexual touching and last night he dragged me to a casino and since i didnt have any money to spare i just mostly watched at first it was ok but than it just dragged on with him to responding to me cuddling at all or my touch and just silence mostly. i hate what i turn into around him i feel clingy insecure and uncared for. and i am mad at myself for even caring so much about what he thinks.

this is not love. i do not know what the fuck it is but its tearing me up inside and i need to break away. i myself do not have feelings for him i dont think so why do i bother seeing him. lonliness and reliablity so far. and sex. but this stupid meaningless sex is draining and really not worth it really.

i just cant stand to be around someone who closes himself off to me and seems dead inside sometimes.

i texted him saying Its not going to get any better is it? to which he replied How much better do you want it to get? dont know what that means. i get a feeling its of resignation, he doesnt want to try doesnt feel its worth it to try and hell just be with me until he finds someone better or act like a big asshole to me and cold until i just stop talking to him. i mean it wasnt always this way. just last weekend things were fine almost. not completely but more warmth more compassion. now hes turned off again and i am just so mad and fusterated with him. i feel fucking jerked around and like an idiot. ugh. i just feel resentment.