Sleepless ramble

 So last entry was written a few days ago. 

 
I can’t sleep again. I tried when I got home to delay sleep for a few hours before I crashed from exhaustion. I did ok I made it to 6 than fell asleep for eight hours. Woke up at one and haven’t slept till than. But it is what it is. I mean 16 hours of sleep would be my depression sleeping hours I would probably be over tired or just the same anyways. 
 
I have to learn than catching up on sleep takes time and establishing a routine and better habits it’s going to be a slow change. I have to be patient with myself and compassionate. 
 
The fact that I slept a good 8 hours afterwards where as yesterday I came home crashed from exhaustion and slept 4 hours means I am already increasing the hours I am sleeping. 
 
It’s not just because of my sleeping patterns I can’t sleep. I feel uneasy at my apt still. It’s been 9 months and I still feel uneasy here. Not settled in. I still don’t know anyone really in the building and the ppl I see can be hostile suspicious unstable cold and unfriendly. I can honesty say that I am kind of scared leaving and comming back into my apt building. After seeing a beat down in front of my door and hearing my neighbour being violent next door often it does scare me and on my toes. 
 
I don’t know if I will ever change how I feel about living here. If it will get any better so I’ll actually not mind being here for at least another year or whether it will just stay the same or get worse and I will find myself feeling forced out like in my other building. 
 
I know with this program it’s pretty supportive. They understand my situation as many people in my program that I know of are living in subsidized housing. One is even living in a shelter! So it’s inspiring I think if she can do it with two kids and living with a bunch of people in even a closer proximity than so can I 
 
I know for a fact for me the worse things are the more motivated I am to change and stick with things. I remeber living w my mom and her douche bf and how I did a full time two week program there to get out because the alternative was exposing myself to more abuse and crazy making from both of them. It’s like they were living in this alternate universe of psychoness dysfunction and abuse and could not see it for what it was and was imposing it on me instead of realizing how toxic the environment was that they created for themselves. Not only was it affecting me but I could see that it wasn’t doing them any favours. They did not seem happy most times. 
 
It’s a lot of how Omar’s house was. He lived in a dingy basement with no food ever or even utensils. There was three of them squished together in the dark in the hood and although sometimes they could come together and get along most times someone had a weapon and was threatening stealing yelling fighting causing shit or sleeping all day. It was fucking scary at times and more at the end of it, it really scared me because it was so dark and chaotic. People comming and going and than upstairs his sisters and his Neices and nefews making so much noise it seemed like upstairs they were fighting possibly abusing the kids up there too. I asked him about the noise but he’s like eh they are kids they make a lot of noise. I don’t know if I believed him it was pretty fucking loud!’ 
 
Anyways I am better off living alone than with my mom or even when I would stay at Os place even if I do get lonely. I hate not being able to control my situation especially if I am living there. At least I can close my door and lock it to any crazies out there in my apt. 
 
My apt is nice too. Nice view, spacious. Brand new. Cheap rent. It would almost be worth it if it wasn’t with the stigma of the sign announcing it’s government housing being filled w chicks w bigger issues than me. 
 
I just have to see it as temporary. It could be worse. It could be a mixed gendered government housing building filled w drug dealers and prostitution, gangs and gun violence. I could be getting sexually harassed and threatened. So i dodged a bullet. And I am lucky to have gotten into subsidized housing in a way because it averages about five years. The alternatives are rooming houses shared everything! I have lived in those types of places for bits of time and it was horrible at times! My stuff got stolen bullied and harassed, no privacy, strict rules like its jail. Staff and judgment. 
 
So even if I am not ideally where I wanna be living I am better off than being with my mother who I thought I could never get away from in that capacity. I love my mom but I also deeply resent her and am confused and scared of her sometimes. She has never taken any responsibility for her choices Nd patterns. I mean it’s one thing to expose yourself to multiple partners that are violent criminal and mentally Ill but it’s another thing to expose your children and pets to it as well never acknowledging the pain toxicity and abuse and damage it’s doing to them. I mean you think that they would be able to empathize and feel protective of those who they love and treat them well and love them and respect them.
All I figure is that maybe that’s been beaten out of them or they are missing that empathy chip at times. 
 
I know for me any child I bring into this world I will protect and love and expose to positivity and take their feelings into account. This is probably a cheesy and obviously not completely accurate description of things but I feel like I do that with my cat. She’s my baby. I remeber when this guy I knew and liked at the time brought a douche to my place and he started pulling my cats tail taunting her and spraying room freshener in her face they had to go no matter what. Anyone who messes w my cat messes w me. I seemed to have lacked that in my family. A sense of loyalty protectiveness and love in that regard. It was very cut throat and selfish the way I was brought up. It was selective loyalty, and protectiveness none of which was actually real love but paraded around as love. 
 
Possibly my siblings and parents never knew what that was. But more and more as I meet really kind nice people who have been through hell and back I am starting to feel like it’s some severe uncurable mental illness. That I am better off avoiding these types of people rather than empathsizing engaging with them and trying to change or fix them. 
 
I know I went through hell worse than them and I could have gone both ways. Selfish, elitist, criminal abusive judgmental. And partially I didn’t was because I as the youngest never given any respect power or much privilege in that angle. But other reasons outside of that was I grew up wealthy outside of my family I could have thumbed my noses at anyone who didn’t have as much money as my brother and sister basically did. They choose similarities people they thought were "their level" I choose for character and kindness. I was generous with the money I did have, and that set me up for users and abusers but for me even when I don’t have money much if I can give it’s not about the money I lost to those people. It’s about their character and just struggling w trust and finding people who are truely kind compassionate real down to earth people. It can be hard to find even when people claim all these good attributes it’s really hard to actually know sometimes. 
 
I am getting smarter at it though. At protecting myself, looking deeper setting boundaries and listening to my feelings which were largely cut off and ignored for years of survival of abuse and violence and having to be that way to survive. 
 
I am really trying to reclaim how I feel, what I want, what I deserve despite what others think. Forming my own opinions and making my own decisions. Instead of ignoring my own gut and voice ignoring others voices more especially when someone is trying to shove a mentality or opinion down my thoat in order to get something from me. Emotional manipulation is always the first tactic of abusers and of people and when that doesn’t work people often resort to violence and threats. Let’s prevoke fear and intimidation in people in order to control. 
 
The most profound thing I read one was an author talking to abusers about everytime you abuse you are loosing the love of the victim. You are not increasing it. It’s often the case when it comes to authority it’s confused that using fear is respect. It’s just fear. It’s not real true earned respect. 
 
I often think that abusers can be quite laZy when you think of it. Smart in some ways but ultimately lacking character. 
 
I am really trying to diffuse the power that he had over my life and still does in some ways. Trying to see it for what it was, for what he was. 
 
That for me a lot of my interpretations that were hurting me about the situation were comming from my own and his imposed insecurities. 
 
Not from the reality. Which is as soon as he was gone my life changed for the better. My interactions w people became more peaceful, I felt more at peace w my life and situation. I didn’t feel like him which is no peace of mind struggling negative hostile scared angry. That wasn’t working for me. Maybe it’s working for him who knows. There is a very sad part still greiving what I thought was my friend almost a soul mate. The confusion of whether it was all a lie and illusion, fate a huge mistake. Because in the end it seemed to.do more damage than good. He will have me really second guessing every man who comes into my life. The level of deception was astounding in a lot of ways. This was not some situation in a lot if ways where I simply did not want to see the truth. I was betrayed deceived completely. I had to do my own investigation to learn the truth. Use all the energy I had left to protect myself from him while I learned the truth and tried to escape him and lessen the bond he had on my emotionally. It is such a cruel thing really. The emotional part. The lies about love. 
 
Anyways. Enough about him. 
 
I just feel like and I did a tarot reading that was eerily accurate month to month about the prognosis of my life and it said something like "accelerated motion" that things will come through for me. This is my time to shine to focus on myself instead of relationships men my family and all that other bullshit. I mean I know that it’s a struggle for me it impacted me greatly and I will still have Deamons I will need to look at and really work on a lot of trauma issues in order to heal and have more satisfying relationships And life 
 
But now is my time to create my own legacy what I want to leave behind create. Leave my mark on the world in whatever way possible. Know me be me. Fuck the other ppl who are haters and too scared to presue their own dreams and goals. 
 
 
Align myself with my purpose.