Sleep

 I didn’t sleep pretty much all night just so stressed out about this new course. Worried and all that. 

 
So I came home and crashed for four hours now I am awake again. Ugh. 
 
I like the course but I was just so tired and restless not used to sitting for long periods of time with other people. 
 
It’s a pretty good group of people.
 
The guy I sat next to was really good looking guy but he had lint all over his sweater. Oh well can’t be perfect. I get cat hair sometimes so i get it.
 
They fed us and each day it’s catered lunch so that’s great. 
 
I could really relate to the insights and struggles of the other people. It feels good not to have to hide from what’s going on in my life or feel alone and not be able to relate to other people who don’t struggle a lot with money depression and all that. I see people that are worse off than me there and people who are prolly doing a bit better than me as well. 
 
It feels lonely lately. 
 
One of my fwb called and we are back in touch lately but it’s getting the point now where we had a fight and he was a real jerk and it gets me to thinking that’s his true colours and there’s no going back now. He explained himself why he was that way but never apologized or thought much about it and to me it’s like sure we might be casual but that doesn’t mean I am going to shut up when you treat me like shit and eventually w these guys the costs outweigh the benefits. It should be fun nourishing stress free not miserable critical drama and feel so empty afterwards especially if they started out a certain way I don’t want their down graded behaviour. But it’s like putting a fish in cold water and turning up the heat you don’t notice right away. Or they hide it so well until they explode or let the mask slip….
 
Feeling good about this opportunity I think it will give me confidence and concrete path to the future. 
 
It’s pretty hard right now though having such messed up sleeping habits and eating habits and the isolation and depression and the remenants of the grief of the breakup(?) and all that. 
 
But this is a much better time than I’m September with a full time course load larger number of students, tests exams stress. I was only living at my place than for five months In and out of a stressful relationship w scrub.(that’s his new name)
 
 
Now it’s been 9 months so I am settling in better and I am not feeling so chaotic in my life.