shitday

the weather is so blah out today. cod to the bones. strugging to be positive today. the day wasnt too bad just uneventful. i am greiving the loss of drinking and smoking. mostly smoking. i kind of want to smoke again. its been two weeks. i know i wont though 1. because i hardly have much money and if i do it would be most of my money and 2. its just not going to solve my problem.

my room mate issues are getting me down. i sat down with all three the other day. me and one of them just got into it basically didnt agree with nothing she is pretty much a know it all really. a brick wall. i cant seem to strike a comprimise with her or find common ground. i tried to or just see things more objectively but she seems to be so sure of herself. it pisses me off. somethings we were able to be neutral and okay on so thats good. the other roomate is really my true friend. i know she cares and i feel most of the reason i am not leaving right away if for anyone is for her 

so i am pretty much getting my own place by the end of this month. i am excited but really scared too. i know i am depressed i am making an effort to not let it effect me too much because i know that eventually things will get better. the edge will come off. i have a lot to be grateful for and happy about. i hate how my mind seems to go to the negative and fearful. i am trying to challenge that.

i went to a stand up comedy show the other day. it was pretty funny. it a program for people who have mood disorders or struggle with mental illness ect. to make their troubles into something to laugh at. i am definately finding this as something i want to do. i need more laughter in my life and a humorous more positive outlook in life right now. it wont be for awhile.

in the meantime i am going to this info session about this program that integrates fitness and wellbeing in order to take more responsibility for my well being.

i went to exercise today but my muscles feel real sore so i wasnt able to really push myself or anything. i was kind of dissapointed. oh well. i went in the sauna for a bit and it was relaxing.

dont wanna write anymore