Shine bright like a diamond

 Still not doing the best. 

 
Just trying to hold on the best I can. 
 
Eating a bit. Sleeping a bit. Crying a bit. Callin helplines. Watching tv shows. 
 
I’m very alone but I guess I have always been very alone. 
 
Nothing new. Just have to figure out how to do this all on my own until I can trust enough to find someone who cares and loves me as much as I love them. 
 
It’s a very scary feeling comming to terms with not ever being loved. 
 
It’s also scary when you are pretty broke and can’t do anything really anyways.
 
I hate the fact that I feel so vulnerable and weak right now. 
 
I am not feeling very strong to figure anything out. I need at least a week to get myself together enough to figure out a job or money situation. 
 
I think I am going to defer school for now. Not 100% sure yet though I don’t wanna make any decisions on that yet until I am fully aware and thinking and feeling more stable. 
 
So yeah. I wish I could have more energy. I am probably going to go out a bit tommorow. 
 
<div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); “>My ptsd is so bad that I have panic attacks going outside around people. 
 
I had a nervous breakdown at the cellphone store trying to get a cheap phone the cheapest was 200 and that’s even stretching it for me right now. 
 
The store people were pricks about it the guy smiled and looked like he was going to laugh and I asked him what was so funny. He wiped that grin of his fade quite quick and when I finally just decided to buy a phone he apologized. Yeah yeah….. 
 
Anyways. Yeah.
 
I had to get more cash from my mom. I hate doing it because she went on a rant that I am not greatful I am not appreciative enough I always make her feel so badly blah blah blah
 
I just shut the fuck up though because if I say anything she says oh your so mean to me why are you so argumentative your just like your father and goes on another crazy ass rant 
 
People who don’t have fucked up families don’t get this dynamic. They think oh be nice to your mom she’s your mother. Yea not really she doesn’t act like a mother. 
 
Her words are very hollow to me now. Her I care about you and I love yous and all that just bullshit or its this sick love she has for me which is not at all what true love is. 
 
It’s hard because I have no one else in my life but her so I put up with the bullshit. 
 
Hopefully after a week I can get some energy up and start looking for some $$ somehow. 
 
It’s just so terribly isolating. People think that it’s easy to do this, get a job or make money or they make it sound so simple
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But when your self esteem has been beaten down and you have ptsd like a mother fucker and anxiety and depression and flashbacks its extremely hard to deal with. 
 
You can’t expect people to want to understand or try to understand even if they do want to try it takes awhile for them to truely get it or know how to deal with you. 
 
Anyways enough of this talk for now
 
Ciao