scars

Growing up in a violent home I think has made me a bit cruel sometimes. I remeber the cruel shit that has happened to be and I guess I feel I wanna disown the pain and humiliation of things. But I do notice when I am being mean, it doesnt feel like me. More like the hurt child inside of me who is crying inside and angry that no one did anything to protect me or take me away from it all.

I have a scar on my forehead its not that big you cant really notice it but I have always wondered what it was from. Its the kind of mark where you would remeber what happened if you got it. I dont know if it has to do with something my sister did to me or what. Maybe i will remeber one day, memories are starting to come back to me.

Went to my dr today she perscribed me with some meds to help take the edge off my panic terror and anxiety that I am feeling. Who would have thought that getting beat up by that stupid guy could fuck me up so bad? I mean I get it, it was terrible but I guess I hate not feeling control of the pain. like I wish I could only feel the pain when I thought about it consciously or wanted to feel something about what happened to me. Especially since the marks have faded and I have a slight scar but not one people could see. I almost wish I had a scar to remind me of how bad it really was so that I wouldnt feel so bad about my panic attacks my nightmares and the triggers I get from coloured men. But at least now the doctor gave me some reassurance when it comes to the fact that I cannot control my bodies reaction at times especially because I have been having suicidal thoughts without a plan or really wanna die. I thought I was going completely insane. So talking to my doctor for 20 minutes solved two months of extreme pain somewhat. I am starting to feel the emotion called anger. Which is relatively new to me, not just anger but a thing called justified anger and it doesnt feel too bad to tell you the truth. It feels right and it validates it all for me and helps me feel stronger in my experiences and in my life.

thats all i am saying for now.