saw my moms
went down to see my mom tonight. i was all worried about it all thinking about getting home and all that late at night. i dont like doing it but the route was fine, lots of people around no one scary. the night went well, my mom was exhausted tired from working but everything went ok i was kind of glad she was tired she never fussed over me or really critisized me or bugged the hell out of me really. maybe once but that s it really. my mom has changed a bit. which is scary, sad at times but good really. sometimes i just get too caught up in what she should say or how she should be and that can get me down so i just try to be realistic really. she doesnt think much about me moving into my own place. her boyfriend was the one who said the place looked nice. but yet again my mom did mention that a co worker of hers has a friend that lives in the building and says it is secure and good. so i mean i guess she just doesnt think i can make it on my own. but you know what she is wrong because i am doing it right now. without her help. i am finacially independent from her and it feels good. no strings attached.
i am still suffering a lot of post traumatic stress. it bugs the hell out of me that it just wont quit. my mind has racing thoughts of dying,getting killed,raped,sexually assaulted,car accidents all these awful horrible things it fears just keep playing over and over in my head. i am getting a grip on them a bit better. i still hate sleeping. i sleep but its never because i want to. i always worry about nightmares even though lately i havent had any. i just have to tell myself they are just a dream. i am thinking about learning more about how to lucid dream. get more control out of my dreams maybe, figure some things out in my subconscious maybe.
today i had a conversation with myself. i got the exercise from a book called healing your emotional self. where you start off out loud critisizing yourself than stop and respond to the harsh words you say and notice both interactions. i took on the voice of my mother and my sister a bit. they were definately not my voices. i took them and started responding how i usually do. responding with reason, defensiveness and avoidance. i am actually going to try it again tonight.
it talks about talking back to your negative voice when you start to hear it. telling it to fuck off if you want to. i still find it hard to notice my critical voice sometimes because it tries to hide itself in logic and is very sly. i am challenging it when i hear it though. its all about re conditioning the brain. my therapist told me that i just think things wont be okay because they werent before growing up, which is true. that i can eventually learn to think differently . she told me everything will be okay. that sounds nice but i told her can i think that everything might be okay, it seems more realistic yet it could be my brain being negative again.
things are all about perspective too though. seeing challenges as opportunities. me and my roomate are not getting along. i wish we could really. she just irks me and gets under my skin. i feel defensive around her all the time and i just cant let my guard down around her again. i did when i first moved in and gradually i felt like i was walking on eggshells with her. i hate it. i hope i can learn to let her comments slide off my back better and just learn to not really make so much of an effort to react or respond too much to them. i know i am not the only one who takes issue with her at times. deep breath.
one of the best tools i have for dealing with my emotions is breathing into my emotions tonight i was getting all teary about this woman who won best supporting actress for the help and i started getting all upset with her. i was thinking to myself what the fuck is wrong with me. sometimes i just take on others emotions too much. it may be that time of the month too who knows.
Anyways in effort to be more greatful and train my brain to think more positively i am going to list the things I am greatful for today
1. My good friend
2. Her generosity of making some cool red hair exentions for me
3. Loosing my debit card only to get a new one I can use as a credit card too
4. Eating some good food today. duck with noodles and pizza fresh out of the oven
5. My ability to laugh at myself when I went out in public with my pore cleansing strip on to get the pizza in effort not to be left alone with my moms bf, (its the ptsd in me mostly)
6. Watching Being Erica today
7. My new debit card working for online purchases
8. My money getting transfered faster than I thought it would take into my regular banking accunt
9. Getting home safe and hassel free tonight
10. seeing my cats tonight