patio lantrens

so have that song stuck in my head right now, and everytime I have a song stuck in my head I usually have to youtube it and listen to it. I dont know why I guess it just kills the urge.

So I went up North this weekend with my friend to her bfs house. I wasnt sure if I wanted to go, but decided to go anyways. I am never too keen on going to some strange mans cottage, (even if it is my friends bf)

Stayed for two nights. It was supposed to be relaxing but a combination of my own fears and anxieties to their fighting the whole time it wasnt really. It had its moments but for the most part it was kind of awkward and weird. her bf told us we should go do our own thing but she said no. I wish we did. her bf was friendly but I find it hard to trust men, i felt weird staying the night I was scared the whole time he would come into where I was sleeping and assault me. I dont know if thats irrational or not most I think its 50 50 really. its possible and I dont know him very well so i think its valid for me to have that concern. it caused me so much anxiety as well because my phone didnt work up there and i didnt drive up there either.

to top it off the 2nd night there I was sleeping when in the middle of the night my friend says shes leaving…im freaking out and says lets go. she said he snapped at her and i started getting my stuff together and he goes your not going anywhere let me talk to her. so they talked and argued and i was tense the whole time really. finally they calmed down.

i think that she was being bitchy and he was being a bit controlling really. i really didnt know how to act. but you know i was polite and greatful and all that.

it had its nice moments but I was way too worried really to really absorb it. i think its really just that her bf was pretty much always there. it felt awkward. her bf would make conversation or ask us something and i would answer pretty much but my friend was mumbling answers and would outright ignore what he would say. she did the same shit to me too. i just tried to not let it get to me really. i felt like i was surviving the whole trip. i couldve told myself that the trip was going to be anxiety producing. i dont think i will ever go back with her there. we didnt talk to much either although we didnt fight. and i am supposed to go to montreal with her in a few weeks i dont know if thats a good call seeing how this trip went. i found her to be moody most of the time and i hate not feeling like i have much control. i felt unable to assert myself i have this irrational fear that if i do she will abandon me somewhere.

i didnt like her bf really though. big trigger for me. i dont know if it was fair or not to judge him. i dont know whether the reason i dont like him had to do with him being an older man or whether it really was his personality. i think a bit of both. i imagined him to look different than he did. i was suprised to see what he really looked like. short portly with a beard, way older than her.

oh well. what can u do. few good things were watching some good movies,eating some good food,going in the hot tub,taking a walk. i think i would have enjoyed it better with maybe just her or at least not feel so uncomfortable. especially since their relationship seemed on really rocky terms at that point.

thank fuck i am home really. feel a bit better being on my own turf.

i did a bit of reading up there which was nice too. i bought russel brands book which is pretty good.  and am reading another book called Full Catastrophy Living which is about meditation and yoga and how simple awareness to the present can ground us.

I definately needed to do alot of grounding and meditation this weekend to get through my self imposed anxiety as well as the fighting and bickering of my friend and her bf. definately helps me. the day is beautiful out and i need to get ready to go to my brothers house soon for dinner. hopefully it wont be as painful as this weekend. at least i will be going home after 🙂