ooh i kind of pissed

So I am kind of pissed off. I asked a friend of mine to come see this apartment with me tomm,she said yeah and seemed like she wanted to go and all. well we were supposed to do something today and she texted me sick in bed. I didnt mind we have been seeing a lot of eachother lately. so i let it go i told her i hope she gets better soon and all that asked her what was wrong. than asked her if she still wanted to come with me tomm, let me know either way. no response. dead. nothing. i usually get a barrage of fucking text messages from her usually. i know she has faked sick before when she told a friend she would go to something she faked sick a day before pretty much and made up an elaborate story about it. she got me into it too to post on her facebook wall if shes feeling better. i thought it was kind of over the top, but she does a lot for me and it wasnt a big deal so i did.

anyways she could be sick she could not be sick. but either way she doesnt respond. i guess it comes down to i dont trust her sometimes. she bad mouths a friend to me behind her back and i wonder if she bad mouths me too. i tell myself i am different but i really dont know…..

friends have their limitations. i get it. i wont hold it against her really. but in my mind i dont forget shit. i keep it in the back of my mind.

i dont believe her and thats not a good thing. but she hasnt ever let me down. people are falliable sometimes. i know i am too. i guess its just so important to me. and i feel let down because i didnt get a response at all.

i am still going but i really wish someone could have gone with me. i do most shit on my own. and it would be good to get a 2nd opinion or whatever. ive accepted i am going there alone. i told my mom and my mom said that if i wanted to see it again shed go with me on wed. bah. i am still so pissed about this. i know i just gotta let this go. whether she is sick or not i have to go myself and am trying to tell myself it will be alright.

maybe i will hear from her tomm i dont know. i have a real problem with uncertainty i worry a lot. i am worried about this apartment. it seems like a good thing yet i have googled some bad shit on an apartment within the same company and i think there was some vague references towards it too in a negative light.

my mom is trying to intice me with fucking apartments in her building. its sounding good, but i left her place for a reason. i love her and i want to believe she cares i know she does but she has her limits too. i love her. she loves me. its just fucked up most of the time. especially since i am living away from her for the first time in my life and will probably never live with her again. it was just so hectic. i kind of think that my mom wants me to be close so she can control me to an extent and if shit goes down with her bf she has somewhere to go. she can be such a drunken mess sometimes though and i hate saying that but i have witnessed it too many times living with her. meltdowns and such.

breathe in breathe out.

now is part of the positive entry.

i bought two great fucking books today. one i cannot stop reading. its by russel peters. fucking amazing. i love it. more serious than i thought it would be though for a comedian. not too many funny parts thats kind of disapointing but either way its engrossing because i love comedians i love him and i love that he grew up in my country and basically my city. i get some references and i feel like in a crazy way when i am reading that his sucesses are my sucesses. even though they arent. i guess when someone from where u live around makes it big it shows you that its possible. ive toyed with the idea of being a comedian. i am already a public speaker. i dont use a lot of comedy in my speeches really. but sometimes i do. i love preforming as hard as it is at times. i am going to watch a fellow speaker do some stand up this week through a program he did and that i really want to do myself as well. basically turning your trials and tribulations into something humourous. sounds like a lot of fun. he really is a funny guy too, so i bet he will do pretty good.

the other one a bit darker. former miss america marilyn van debur. grew up being sexually abused she was also a public speaker with a double life. i can relate to it and hope to gain some insight and hope for myself. someone recomended this book to me and said that her life reminded her of my story. so i just had to read it. i have been wanting to read it for months now and havent gotten around to it.

i did a lot of laundry today and washed my sheets which i have put off for months cause i have a duvet and i hate putting that shit back on and just being lazy and putting it off. but i pushed myself to do it. so it got done. things are going okay with the roomates. they want to go see a movie tomm, lady in black and i wanna see it too sort of but i have been avoiding watchign scary shit and the majority of what they watch is that. not all the time but most of the time. i used to be like that too, liking that kind of stuff but i dont know lately i feel fragile and mindful of what i watch on tv and movies and all that. i dont wanna upset myself too much and have nightmares and shit. lately i have been feeling impressionable and frightful. its not like me. i am a worrier and scared but not this fragile and wimpy. i think i am just more scared of things than really effected by it. but i still am careful lately anyways. i told them i would let them know, i was supposed to see a movie with my other friend who is sick at a cheaper place seeing a more lighter movie. but thats not going to happen. i want to bond and have fun with my roomates and all that. they want me to go but the money issue sort of and the movie might freak the shit out of me. a big part of me wants to go though. so i will prolly go.

i also saw my crush today. he is the assistant supervisor of the building. cute guy, nice guy, i can tell hes into me. i have only talked to him twice though. and today i crossed paths with him and he was in the elevator and i was going into the laundry room and the doors were just closing. he prolly saw me like really quickly but maybe wouldnt have place me i dont know. anyways i was hoping i would see him again when i went down to the laundry a few times but nope. he was no where to be seen. not like i would know what to say or how to act. the last time i saw him was like the first week i had moved in. i was dressed all sexy, smoking outside. i felt really confident and was prolly even a little buzzed. now i dont know. i looked causal today. dont drink now. dont feel very confident in myself. men just dont fit into the equation for me. the last encounter i had with a guy was with some guy i was talking to online and he seemed alright. totally my type bad boy sort of charming black guy very good looking funny. it all kind of ended when he was pushing to meet up and suggesting his place or mine i didnt like that idea wanted to talk more he was fine with that but finally said to me are you interested in a friends with benefits type thing which isaid i am not your girl. i guess i sort of knew that was what he was after. but it was tacky of him to just think i would just say yes without even meeting him. talk about pressure. i am also trying to change my mentality of how i view men. taking it slow with them. challenging

the belief that all of them just want sex and that they are assholes and abusive in one way or another. i also want to challenge my type of guy and keep an open mind to different races,looks,styles,personality,age, that type of thing. friends first with all of them and no online dating at the moment. with my life its not likely i will run into this right away. so its kind of on the back burner.

havent smoked in about a week now. feeling awkward about it still. i crave really bad sometimes. but i just tell myself smoking is not going to help matters. when i first quit i would chew gum like mad and it was my substitute but now i dont really feel the need to chew my gun really only at times. and with the cravings i dont really do anything or feel the need to do anything instead of smoking. i prolly eat more now that i quit but i dont even think that i am eating much more than usual. since i dont really have much food or money to spend on food and shit. ah well. my room mate is a smoker and i get sometimes jealous of it still cause it seems like something to do but i know its not really that fun really. and i am satisfied with my decision to quit.

so yeah. i am going to eat something read a bit more than drift off to sleep. zzzzzzzzzzzz