no time for those who dont love me

so i basically broke it off with my ex. the conversation was like pulling teeth basically. i said straight out its obvious you dont give a fuck about me and are just using me for sex. to which he replies, what would make you think that? no, thats not true, no,i dont give a fuck or i cant. stupid really.

i said at first if we are going to see eachother no sex because i cannot handle it. and he asks why its so hard. to which i said because it hurts to give myself to you in that way when you dont have the same feelings and it does. i mean i can have sex with someone who i dont care about and thats fine but when you are having sex with someone you care about but they see it completely differently its heartbreaking to me and sad. a constant reminder in me that i am not good enough and i am not loveable and that i do not deserve to have loving caring compassionate sex. that it is just a transaction basically. i have had more caring sex with guys i hardly know than with him thats how cold i feel he is.

he said hes not affectionate because he is not looking for commitment. which i think is skipping the part about his feelings for me to be honest. i mean i am not looking for a commitment either i am still seeing other guys and talking to other guys i dont call him my boyfriend and i do not want him to be my boyfriend. how is being affectionate translate into not wanting a commitment. i dont think it takes much commitment to be affectionate towards someone. yet i also know that this guy talks in code so i try not to take what he said at face value. but anyways i will miss the place he had in my life but lately i think its kind of hard to miss him. he gives me no warmth inside really and its all just very cold and impersonal he is not someone right now that i can just have sex with and be buddy buddy with he never will be that way. i should have heeded the warning he gave me a long time ago. oh well lesson learned. he cannot give me what i need and i cannot give him what he needs. so might as well not see eachother anymore. i am just so angry and fusterated at him but i also know you cannot force feelings and all that so its not all his fault really its just the way he chooses to convey them than fusterates me. indirect and basically forces me to say the words for him like a chilld.

anyways. i had easter dinner last night at my uncles house it went alright. this guy i dont know what i would call him really because hes not related to me but hes related to my half aunt and half uncle maybe a step cousin or something i dont know. he brought this girl who is a stripper from las vegas to the party he met her in las  vegas and she just moved here with him. i feel bad for her because he lives in the middle of nowhere and doesnt drive and he wont let her work so it seems very controlling and abusive to me. he hardly paid any attention to her and basically abandoned her the second he got into the door. i talked to her a bit she was nice. at first i judged her but i always feel bad for judging because a persons choices dont make the person and everyone is a human being with the same basic needs in the end. plus who am i to judge i have done similar work really. she just seemed lost to me a bit i dont know.