Nightmares depression money and assholes

 I had the most horrible dream about my past. My childhood my father picking me up and shaking me. Screaming at me threatening to kill me.

 
My mom betraying me and berating me. There was no escape. My sister was my only Allie. In real life sadly she wasn’t really my only friend she also turned against me. 
 
My sister said she was going to my grandmas and I hoped to go w her too. I begged her to come too. We said she will call the cops to see what they could do. 
 
I was really scared. It was a no win situation. Scared of it all.
 
I feel really sad now a deep grief because this is quite an accurate picture of my childhood. 🙁 
 
I feel like shit today. Depressed I’m using my student loans for other shit since I dropped out. I feel guilt about this but before the loans came in I had no money to even eat and I am no fucking saint I haven’t boughten or been able to afford clothes in a year. Or do anything really that fun much at all. Just hand to mouth mostly. The only extra money I got was from my mom but my mom got pissed at me because I called her to say hi because I was bored and lonely and said she’s not going to give me money for the month even though I was broke and she told me off trying to make me feel like a piece of shit really. 
 
I am so depressed I don’t give a shit about anything Except having money to eat and do shit with.
 
I have no one on my side no one telling me or guiding me and I have been so beaten down by men and my family and fake stupid judgemental friends that I don’t give a fuck about anyone or anything right now
 
My caseworkers on a leave until I don’t know when and my therapist is on leave till next week. All I do is call help lines and hope to get someone semi decent to talk to. 
 
<div style=”font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; “>But mostly I avoid people and telling ppl the truth because I can’t take the judgement and stupid advice they give me. No one can tell me shit until they have been In my shoes and are living my fucked up life. 
 
I may seem negative and with. No perspective it’s because I have none except assholes and misinformed jerks who think they know me or my life or think they would do the same.