My worlds fell apart I guess I have to rebuild it

 My life’s fell apart time to rebuild a new one 

 
So I hate my stupid ghetto apartment. 
 
I can’t stand it. I got into a fight with one of the security guards the other night because I lost my keys and needed to go to the store and come back she refused to do it so I was pissed apparently the other security guard was gossiping about me and talking shit about me for something and I have a "bad reputation" bitch I don’t give a fuck about what you think about me do your fucking job and let me back in. 
 
Anyways she finally did. 
 
But I am under so much stress. 
 
My moms being a bitch like usual we had a good week together and ahead there for me than the next week she stops returning my calls and texts and instead of being how she was before she tells me I am mentally ill and need help and she can’t deal with me anymore. Bitch you should’ve used a condom than and been a parent to begin with protected me from my scum bag father and than maybe shit would be different. Anyways I told her off I am getting sick of my mothers moodiness and cruelness it would be a different story if things were going well for me but right now she’s all I have. 
 
O is being a prick again. We had a good few weeks I went to see him for a few days he bought me flowers and shit and I got him a silver chain bracelet than he becomes a cruel prick out of no where again and stop returning my calls and texts and than tells me off when I get mad at him for doing some stupid shit. 
 
If I could get more good things and people in my life I wouldn’t give as much as a fuck but unfortunately these two dicks are all I have 
 
I found a ten thousand dollar loan for my boss gave her all the info followed up on it and in turn she texts me to tell me she got it and than decides to give the money to find a supervisory position for some stupid fake asshole that’s only been on the job for like three years. Me? Six years countless ass busting and initiative and nothing. I am basically done with that job. Its only a contractual thing and lately I haven’t been really liking where the company has been going. It’s becoming somewhat of a cooperation rather than a humble charity. It’s really becoming more contrived and I am done anyways. I got a small mention on an email about me finding the loan but I have been under estimated at every turn and over looked for years and since everything else seems to be going to shit I don’t really care much to be a part of it. 
 
I have secured a pretty big gig oft own in two weeks so I was sure to tell the fake ass co worker about it (because he’s been very condescending towards me to begin with ) and I told my boss that I am disappointed about where the money went but am excited to be doing a big gig myself somewhere else. It’s not paid so it’s not really a huge deal in terms of "betraying" the company but it’s a start to getting my own contacts and independent exposure. Plus the event is commemorating an event about violence against woman and it is something I have experienced and feel deeply about. So I am feeling good about that. It’s been a week and my boss has not responded to my text. 
 
Me and my boss have a different kind of relationship for me at one points she was like a second mother to me. I never choose really to be in this company. At 18 years old I was recruited, it gave me exposure confidence job skills money and travel and experiences and met some cool and interesting people. It gave me a reason for my pain Andy life, it literally kept me alive and on a good path for a long time. This company meant the world to me And I trusted respected and admired my boss a lot. And I thought that she felt the same but for whatever reason I kept getting by passed for promotions and opportunities and never given any consideration for these opportunities and positions. It hurt a lot and surprised me and disappointed me because my boss always seem to want my "free" input and testimony about the company but rarely did I ever feel like I had any real I can’t think of the word right now but basically being In a company and having more pull or anything. At five years I saw newer speakers getting raises and I had to ask for mine and justify it. It was ridiculous I feel taken advantage of overlooked and not really valued or really been talked to about why I wasn’t been given any recognition respect or consideration. I have more than earned it and I was never the type to demand anything. I really was truly passionate about the company and I am the oldest employee there. It’s just like you wish your boss would grow a backbone and stop pussy footing around the issue and part of me believes there really is not pertinent issue or thing that she can really say to me for a really good reason. I believe the real reason is her own personal biases about me and how I truly will be truthful with her and honest and not try to fit into a mold
Completely about how I live my life and how I choose to present. 
 
Anyways when I found out via email from this stupid chick I used to go to high school with who really isn’t very good at the trainer position she has it really broke me for about a week it still really hurts. To not feel truly valued and no one has the guts to be upfront with me. I feel slowly shoved out of the company. It’s nota good feeling when people act like you are fragile and treat you with kid gloves because of their own fears. 
 
So basically it pisses me off especially since my boss still hadn’t said a word to me but I figure as much over the years I have seen how she deals with things and it’s usually quite passive aggressive and kind of sneaky almost. So whatever.
 
Anyways life is shutting on me. 
 
I want to move so I am getting help from my case worker and therapist to figure out how I can get the fuck out of the system and on my own. 
 
The system does no favours really. Ignorant people will say oh you get cheap rent and all this other bullshit but they don’t realize that the government breathes down your next and you can’t earn a certain amount it makes it very hard to really make a good amount of money without them cutting your earnings in half and than raising the rent. It’s a game to keep you down and they conceal benefits and refuse and put limits on shit. Sure it has some security to it but it’s a very limited false security. For me it’s forced me not want to try to earn because it would just be deducted anyways. It’s just hard I feel stuck I don’t know how to get out or work with it really. 
 
It’s really fusterating really.you feel useless and lethargic and just
Like a piece of shit who is supposed to feel greatful for any crumb you get and don’t have much say on what piece of the pie you are going to get 
 
My apt is in a really fucked up area with fucked up people I cannot live here this building touts security and supprt but has failed to deliver any of that shit I am better off feeling like a human being and doing my own thing pretty much eventually. 
 
I don’t wanna feel like I have no choices it’s just another cycle of abuse and oppression. I can do better and I want better for myself I am still a bit scared but it needs to be done 
 
My mother all my life told me I was severely mentally I’ll and tried to collect benefits off of me for having a "disability" well into my 20s and even when I wasn’t living with her anymore. She makes me sick a lot of the reason I am stuck In the system is because of my moms greed and refusal to help me supprt me or nurture me into a fully functional self supporting individual she has aboard and undermined me at every turn and failed to protect me from my father who further fucked me up all In the name of money mom was a greedy bitch. 
 
I am not mentally ill I am not sick I am not incompetent I am traumatized I have a traumatic injury like someone who broke their arm has but it can be healed. Worked around worked through I believe that. 
 
I’ve lost a lot from what has happened to me trust, faith self esteem but some of it will be regained and some shouldn’t be there to begin with I was exposed to the cruelty of this world at a very young age and from my parents at that ones who were supposed to protect me so yeah it’s fucked me up but I will always be more healthy than any one person in my family because I have not adopted their evil fucked up mentality