moving tomm

 im sitting here writting this crying. i need to get this out. i need to grieve all this pain. pain i hope to leave here in this apartment. where i felt so alone. i drank a lot to drink away the pain. wanting someone to see me and care. i tried to reach out but it was always the wrong people and it makes me sad for myself the things I did. As I was packing seeing all the sex toys,the lingerie,the condoms,thinking about the empty liqour bottles. trying to fuck away the pain. trying and trying to be this person I am not. it makes me feel kind of pathetic. how I stooped so low to have some company no matter who it was. only to have them storm out,slip out or pretend that they were leaving gracefully.

than i slept in my bed alone,cold and alone again. feeling more lonely than i ever did before. i faked a false intimacy with so many people. i grew to be a very cold person. after being molested as a little girl I never thought about sex or physical acts the same ever again. the first real rape at 15 had me chasing my rapist trying to get him to love me and the few guys after that. i wanted them to love me not just fuck me and leave me there so alone and feel so empty inside. 

soon I became bitter and angry at men. i no longer harboured the hope that they would be my boyfriend or love me. my heart turned cold. i turned off my emotions and sex was just a physical act with bodies involved. i did want them to love me and if they started to have feelings for me I pushed them away and abused them. how could they feel anything for me? i am damaged, I am dirty I am no good. what is wrong with them?  I was a cold person. i didnt want to date them or get to know them anymore. just skip straight to the sex. than get the fuck out was sometimes how i saw it. i couldnt understand love songs or love stories. I have never felt that kind of love. i dont think right now I love anyone really, except my cats. I have it in me but I have never fell in love. I have had a few boyfriends but I never loved them I cared for them but it wasnt love. it became obsession and the relationship always just turned into abusive,dirty,degrading,sex all the time and what they could buy or pay for me. i could not equate love in any other way. it was a very shallow way of relating to other people. i didnt trust any of these men. i dont trust men in general. not after being continuely sexually abused by older men as a child. 

i think to myself still how could these men do such things to such a young child? what is so sexually attractive about a child, they are young innocent, immature. beautiful yes. but not erotic or sexual. how could people ever be attracted to young children it disgusts me and enrages me. they have fucked up most of my life and continue to wreck havoc on my relationship to sex,men,people,trust,love my own body. i drank and drank to get rid of the pain. but the memories just kept comming back i could not outrun them. i would rather deny it all and blame myself than to think my own father could have so much to do with my pain. to see me in that way.. his own daughter. it leaves me so confused. and upset and angry. i can hardly believe it sometimes it crushes me. it crushes my soul. my relationship with my father and the rest of my family will never be the same and i have no doubt that my father is still causing the same pain to others still. 

i always felt so bad for other kids that had been molested but i never aknowleged my own pain and suffering and faced the truth about what happened. its still really hard i wish it was all just a nightmare or something. i wish it was just so easy to say to myself its in the past, its over and it had no effect on me. i wish it was that simple and that by saying that it could be true. i couldve grown up to be mature,and not damaged and haunted by it all. but i cant do it. the truth is the truth. i must admit i am still in a lot of denial because my brain is trying to protect myself from what happened to me i am not ready to really know everything about what happened. although i know it was pretty bad and not pretty. 

i wish i didnt have flashbacks when i least expected them. or panic attacks in public, or get triggered. i cannot control it. i wish i could. but i can learn to deal with it. and understand it. hopefully as time goes by it wont be as scary as it is now. that i will be able to see things more objectively. but right now it devestates me so much. i have number a lot of how i feel still because i am terrfied. and i know that if i remain scared my mind will not go to that place without my knowlege and i wont all of a sudden throw up from shock or terror or disgust remebering what happened to me. but it will catch up eventually no matter what i guess.