living alone

so soon I will probably be living alone. right now i live with two roomates I knew from High School, started out great, but lately it hasnt been that great. Their lifestyles arent the same as mine and its hectic, theres no guidelines and rules here and I have  been pressing for some but neither really want them I dont think, one I can tell REALLY doesnt want any because she likes bossing people around and the control she gets. I hate being the one always trying to make things work, Ive given up on that. if they dont want it, I am not going to try to control the situation if they will resent me for it in the end. i am the last one to move in after all.

so either way whether it will be a few months or real soon, I have decided I want to live alone. I am scared though. I mean when I lived with my mom she was rarely there, always at her bfs house over night sometimes I wouldnt see her for two weeks, than one night she would stay over and wed hang, but basically I was alone there. BUTTT living alone, I will be all alone. I will be completely responsible for everything and that excites me to no end to have peace and quiet again and control of my own domain like I basically had before but different. I am scared I will get lonely though and start fucking around with guys indiscriminately again, drinking and all that bad stuff. I really dont want to and have no urge to really at the moment. My two room mates have a FRIDGE full of liqour at the moment. On the counter right now there is a huge bottle of whiskey, which if I was still drinking I would have had a least a few shots.

I also quit smoking about two days ago. Officially this is my third day, its going GREAT, I mean I have cravings but I am willing to just notice them and ask myself what do I really need right now or what would be a good substitute for that? and I remind myself of the smell, the cost, the fact that in reality smoking doesnt do anything for me, namely it does not fucking relieve stress but it is actually a stimulant and increases arousal! I tell myself when I smoke I am really not even paying attention to smoking really anyways. Often I smoke so much because I want to go outside and get some fresh air and smoking is an excuse for that, or I wanna take a break. so i have a smoke. or i wanna procrastinate so I have a cigarette.

its awkward right now doing the things that I used to do without smoking. my last attempt to quit smoking was five months and the attempt before that actually was a year. so i know i can do it. for life.

i just felt ready this time to quit. unlike the other times it was a huge challenge to smoke and i was really like white knuckling it. now this time i mean its awkward at most and it kind of sucks but when i slipped a few days ago, the cigarette already tasted nasty and not like it usually does. so i just remind myself of that too that since i havent smoked in awhile its really not going to taste that good. smoking is a bitch to give up i tell you but it can be done.

man giving up all these vices is great for my bank account. my smoking habit costs me ten dollars a pack and i smoke about a pack every three days. so thats about 60 dollars a month. i complain about not having money but i always seem to have enough money to smoke cigarettes. if i cant afford to buy my favorite kind i will buy a cheaper version just fine.

i also quit smoking because chances are the apartment i get will not have a balcony and i dont wanna smoke in the place and stink everything up plus it is most likely illegal to do that. i want to make a good impression for my apartment interview tomm, so nervous for that!!!!

Still chugging along on my vision board its looking good I plan on covering the whole ugly brown wood thing beside my bed.

i am really thinking about getting my license. it hasnt bothered me really before because i always lived somewhere with transit, but i think what if i start lving somewhere where the transit is no good. i have a phobia of driving. i am kind of ashamed of that. i think of driving as being a really independent, convienant thing. one thing i may not be cut out for though because of my tendency to second guess myself and not be as aggressive and assertive at times. plus the cost, insurance, gas, the actually car, right now i cannot afford it; but in the future i may be in a better place to afford all that stuff. i dont wanna avoid something because i am afraid. but sometimes i am not sure if the reason is completely based on fear. i mean i took driving lessons twice. i always had male driving instructors and i found them to be very impatient with me. i dont think i really am the best driver to begin with. i failed my first time i took the test pretty badly i almost got into a car accident by rear ending someone at a stop light and the driving testor basically yelled out. haha it is kind of funny thinking back and kind of embarassing. i remember when i came back I had parked the car so crooked that my italian driving instructor was laughing at me, once again, it was kind of funny kind of hurtful too. my inner voice tells me that for some people it takes a few tries before you really get it. I mean it took my Nonna about 10 times or more I think to get her license. I doubt it will take me that many times. My 2nd time I tried to get my license I really didnt like my driving teacher. my friend recommended him and said he was really good, but I found for me he would say things like I dont know whats wrong with you and freak out easily and was a bit of a weirdo he was this middle aged straight laced nerdy looking white guy. the kind of guy you would imagine getting into all kinds of freaky porn on the internet or something. something off about him. well he was yelling at me driving all the way to the driving test and freaking me out. when it was 20 minutes to the test i started bawling and told him to drive me back I couldnt do it. he inspired no confidence in me plus I just wasnt ready. he wanted to push me to take the test too early and got me all anxious before the test. ugh. my friend passed her first time i think with him. so i guess its different strokes for different folks really.

i am really craving the two bite brownies i just got right now. i was supposed to go to the gym this morning but i am planning on going later tonight because right now no roomies are home or at least awake so its peaceful but i want somewhere to go when one of my roomates  comes home tonight. i just dont wanna be around her lately. so i avoid her as much as possible. for some weird reason her sister stayed over last night without her being here. it was kind of weird. i wish i had more guests i could bring here so it would seem like my place too but i dont really want to bring guests here because this place really doesnt seem like my home i dont think it ever really will either. though i am getting used to it. this is the first month that i am pretty much here and have no home to go to. my mom lives with her boyfriend now.

i went to visit her on saturday we wen

t to this nice thai restaraunt. and the aura was very much different. my mom seemed subdued a bit. herself but different. she acted differently towards me usually she is either nit picking on how i look and all anxious or over complimenting me and being too too nice and now its just like this good happy medium. i like it, its like its supposed to me. my mom seems calmer. we both said how much we dont miss the place where we used to live together. i loved seeing my cats. and missed them. but i also told myself i should be happy that i am not taking care of both of them right now because they are annoying and a lot of work at times and i really need to just focus on taking care of myself before i even think of bringing my cats to live with me. which i wanna do eventually i think just not right away. too much work. plus i kind of get scared that if i get them to move in with me one of them might get sick and the vet bills are usually enormous at times.thats in the future though.

its a beautiful sunny day out and i am plannig to walk to meet my case worker today instead of taking the bus to save money.