karma cleansing

so I did some cleansing at home. Last night washed all my clothes and today threw out stuff I didnt need. I need to clear it all out for the new that is going to come into my life.

My room was really messy and dreary before but now its a lot cleaner and brighter. I threw out old liqour bottles from when I was drinking hard core. I dont know why I keep things like that around. Not going to do me any good. I truely believe that I need to make room for the positive and throw out the garbage cluttering my mind and space.

That includes people in my life that have let me down and are always fearful and negative. My mom right now is just so negative and I cant have that around right now. I have to be in a stronger place or I am going to fall back on her and believe to myself I cant make it on my own.

I read some where refuse to flinch. Like when you are standing and you have the urge to put your hands in your pocket or cross your arms dont. Stand straigh and comfortable, it may seem awkward at first but dont let that stop you,

I picked up a healing card today and the healing card said Be patient and kind with your fears, just observe them and you will gradually see them melt away. Before even reading that card that it just what I am doing. Everytime I think positively and a negative though comes and tries to destroy that I observe that thought, sometimes try to figure out where it is comming from and it usually goes away. Its hard at times because my brain is trained to worry and be negative though awareness is the first step as well as I am correcting them.

My life is not my fears, it is my dreams waiting for me to come true. I have made amazing strides already, I have quit drinking its been about three weeks now, I dumped Zs ass, the guy who I pined for and was never there for me the way I wanted him to be, I moved out of my moms house, I am moving forward and gathering strength as I go along.

I have a really supportive friend who has been there for me through thick and thin and always gives great advice. I know I am not alone in life. I have two great therapists and I doing art therapy which is so fun and amazing. I love it!

I strive to be cool calm and collected and excited about life even when it gets rough. I will stay focused on my goals and meet them and go over and above them. I have before.

I remeber a time in high school when I was really struggling feeling very alone, drinking drugging so depressed and suicidal. My grades were not good, I felt like a failure. Well once an angel came into my life she helped me turn it all around. I graduated with honours, won two awards including a bursary of money. I suceeded My goal was only to graduate high school. I went over and above that. I was amazed at what I could do. I didnt know I was on honours or got any awards until the graduation ceremony.

Farther back in elementary school, I was bullied a lot. I was alone a lot, was cutting my wrists and trying to kill myself. It was a dark time. I believed everything they said about me. At the end of the year, the one who started all the bullying sincerly apologized for everything she did to make things hard for me. I didnt expect that to happen in a million years. We never became friends but that was enough for me.

I was fearful in high school that I would get bullied more, but the bullying completely stopped. There was a few comments here and there but nothing any other average student prolly didnt get at one point in time.

Now I am moved out, the situation is not ideal of course. But for the time being it is a beautiful condo, with a gym across the road, a big balcony and stores and grocery store right by. I was getting down about the bullying a bit from one of my roomates though it is not too bad anymore. I have learned to keep my distance and just be cordial. The YWCA has found me a one bedroom that I may very well get. I only expected a bachlor at most though this is a ONE BED ROOM! More than I could ask for!!! 🙂

Things are good and will only get better if I align myself with rational, positive people and things. If I allow myself to go down that dark path again I can imagine things will get worse again.

Not only that but reacting to life is important. Cant change everything but we can change how we respond to things. What good would responding to something negatively and crazily do? Nothing but if I can respond to it appropriately to the situation and with faith and belief that things will turn out better they will. They have too. Nothing is bad unless we believe it is all bad. There are tinges here and there.

Peace to all