its been awhile….

 I havent written in here for awhile. many reasons for that. i am scared to.. i am scared of the judgement I am scared of the advice I get sometimes. i am just scared. even in the basically annonymous space to share myself i feel very scared. i  cannot fully let myself go and express who I am. I repress my emotions in real life and I censor myself on here. it sucks because where can i be genuine anymore? the places seem less and less these days.

I am doing a lot of empowering things for myself. taking boxing and self defence, I got a job now and I am moving soon. All beautiful things but inside I am very scared and insecure still like a little girl. i know deep down there is no reason to feel so scared and timid but its like my mind doesnt really get it. i am so used to be told what to do. what to think, how to ask. but now that i know i am free and I have every right to assert mysellf the anger and power hasnt came instead it is replaced with fear. frozen. over whelmed. before things were so much easier and comfortable I guess. I never would have thought that this guy beating me up over a month ago would affect me so profoundly in every way and I only say that because I have been raped repeatedly before, harrassed threatened with death before and beaten before. what makes this scenario so much different? I guess this time I really thought I would die. that i would not live. there was no mercy and i felt as though the end was near. there was no talking my way out of this. i physically had to push my way out that door. i had to fight back there was no choice left.

i was in absolute horror and shock for those 2 hours or so locked up in his apartment. there are things i will still not talk about or even acknowlege to myself about what happened, its just too painful.

i hate to say this because i know rationally its not true but i guess i thought i would get over it and just party again effortly and not see it as a serious rock bottom in my life. a wake up call to face my life and the abusive people in it. as hard as i try to be strong and feel empowered and not let people mess or fuck with me again there is still this paralyzing fear and strong strong belief that i have no right to get what i want. it makes me uncomfortable and sick to my stomach sometimes….

even talking about the trauma that happened or thinking about it is hard because someone from a stupid trauma group that i went to thinking it would help told me basically to shut it. i am re experiencing the trauma and triggering others. which very much could be true but it just was told to me in such a way that i was to blame and these things should not be talked about even though it just so desperately needed to be out there so i can deal with it and see it as a very real thing that happened to me and not push it under the carpet and live in denial..

i just feel the longer i let something fester in my head and not express it the more damage it will do to my soul my health and my life. it will spread like a disease to others around me whether i want it to or not.