ill never be the same

 i  will never be the same.

but you know i dont think i will ever feel the same after what happened to me in the past. violence,incest,the countless rapes and beatings is how i developed this borderline personality disorder. i cannot lie anymore and say its all my fault. it has had an impact on me. its made me impulsive,self destructive and hurt and angry and irrational and emotional. i tried for so long to block it all out. i am ok. i have a job i look fine on the outside. its all good. but inside me theres a thought that says get yourself killed you may not be sucidal directly anymore but indirectly you want yourself dead. not harmed not bruised but dead. but my will keeps me from this goal. 

i hate myself. i hate what its all come to. everytime i try to say this is enough. i am going to clean up. stop drinking. stop fucking all these guys. i start again. its what i remeber its all i think i am good at. i dont know how to love. i dont think i am worthy of love or care and certainly no one in my life has shown that to me consistantly i am on my own. and god keeps saving me. i dont know why because i wish that guy had just thrown me off the balcony and boom i would be knocked unconscious and never know what happened in the end. but i didnt wanna die that way. i didnt wanna die in pure terror in the ghetto far away from home with some guy i barely knew but thought could care for me the way my dad never did. 

i dont feel safe. i dont wanna feel safe maybe i dont know. nothing is ever enough for me. i thought i could handle a beating. i thought i wouldnt be scared. the physical marks on me are nothing compared to the pain and terror and severity of what happened that morning. i was terrifiied brainwashed. held captive in someone elses bad trip or episode. why am i still here. i dont know why. because no one seems to care that much. their emotions and reactions are dulled almost as if they expect it to happen at this point. suprised it wasnt worse or i was dead.