I feel lostttttttttttt

 Do you ever feel like your just waiting? 

 
Lately I just feel like I have been waiting: 
Waiting to get better 
Waiting for things to pick up 
Waiting for more energy 
 
I am doing what I can but it never seems to be enough. 
 
Lately my self esteem has been down the tubes after being in a stressful abusive relationship. 
 
Things fell through left right and centre. 
 
My job
My old "friends" 
My abusive ex 
School 
The place and area where I live being unsafe and just not a place I like 
 
I am getting to know what I want and all that but I feel like so much is just stagnant right now. 
 
I am not emotionally prepared for a job, moving, meeting new people. 
 
I am often filled with fear anxiety sadness and depression. 
 
I wake up dreading the day as my life feels empty. I feel alone and isolated. 
 
I hate the most how it seems like my attitude and thoughts and energy is low and negative and fearful. 
 
I feel a lot different than the person i used to be weaker, more scared and hesitant and negative and dull and empty mostly. 
 
I try not to allow myself to wallow too much in the negatives and I am becoming more aware of these thoughts and memories that are bringing me down but it seems like there’s not a lot positive to replace with right now. Most of it is just hope and faith and dreams and goals nothing concrete or really something that I am sure will happen or is doable or possible. 
 
Lately all I do is just try to distract myself but the distracting at a certain point seems empty and in the long run does nothing to solve the problem. 
 
I notice that most of my life I have encountered this stagnation in my life. There seems to be little momentum or like a furthering of goals or life. I feel lost. 
 
I see my family and friends and they seem to have this concrete stability and path in their life. With this supportive family friends events jobs purpose and busyness. 
 
I don’t wanna be super busy but it would be nice to feel like I could have some momentum with my relationships jobs goals and my life. 
 
But I often feel disconnected to people and things and life and the outside world. 
 
I feel like I haven’t found my place, where I can relate to others, feel a part of, not feel judged or less than or just so "different" 
 
I feel like ostracized, as much as I say and think to myself what others do and are shouldn’t matter I find to others it matters very much. I find that people group together and clique together. 
 
I am an open minded person I like hanging out with different cultures and ages etc. but I find at times others are less likely to want to do that. 
 
Several things that I am/was involved with I felt this clique feeling. This mistrust and suspicion others have of me for standing out to a certain extent. 
 
I guess this is just a rant, vent or whatever. 
 
It’s like I can’t find solutions to my problems I can’t find clarity on things or the whole big picture of things. 
 
I can’t seem to know how to feel okay about where I am in my life and how to make the best of it. I am greatful for what I have sure but I also feel like something’s missing and I don’t know what and when I try to find it it’s never what I really want or need. 
 
For example volunteering, socializing, school, jobs. 
 
Just feels empty and not what really fulfills me but instead stresses me out and becomes more of a chore than something that I enjoy or see as a challenge or exciting or meaningful to me. It’s like I am forcing it. 
 
I oftentimes think maybe I am just really unique? Maybe I am just really nit picky? Really negative or detail oriented? Not greatful? Not happy about anything? That’s the impression I get from others about myself? 
 
It’s like I haven’t found anything really really worth living for so everything else becomes unimportant and falls through the way side. Bills and obligations or plans that I do make. 
 
I remeber in my early 20s being a stress case. Trying to please everyone and show up on time and do this and do that. And so much obligation and guilt when I couldn’t. I would force myself to do things and was really hard on myself and blamed myself for everything if it didn’t work out and was crushed when something didn’t work out and now I get upset when things aren’t as good but I am not as stressed or bothered by it because I just assume it wasn’t meant to be. But it still sucks because if that’s not meant to be what is? 
 
I tell myself maybe this is just a tough part of my life. Maybe the next five years will be directionless or something than it will pick up into 30s or something? 
 
Can anyone relate or be able to tell me from their experience things picked up after a period of less going on, more alone time and isolation and directionless and in a rut? Not having momentum or opportunities that fit or fulfil them?