Graduating School Today

So tonight is the night! I graduate from culinary school tonight very excited! I was originally going to buy a dress but I spent all weekend trying to find the perfect one and could not for the life of me find one that I liked. So I decided to just wear one of my old perfect dresses!

I am just bringing my mom because I am angry with my father and sister still. I was going to bring this guy I was seeing and I asked him and he was all excited about it but than I hesititated because he said he wants to wait six months till he introduces me to any of his friends or anything so I thought I might as well take it slower. We have only been seeing eachother for a month and I really want my experience graduating to be a comfortable one not awkward because it would be the first time my mom would meet him and vice versa. Its kind of my day and I wanna keep it that way. Not feel like I have to hang back because he doesnt know anyone and I want my mom to meet everyone as well.

One bad thing is that the classmate who assaulted me may be there, he might not but i have a feeling he may. I left it with him like sort of cordial but now I feel that I really dont even have to be cordial its one night and I am still very angry and hurt by what he did but mostly angry I think. I am constantly day dreaming of telling him off if he comes near me to talk to me and pretend everything is alright or that he comes to apologize for what he did to me. In that case I am not sure I would accept it depends I guess but I doubt he will have enough of a conscience to do that.

So yeaah.. life has been ok I guess at times. I am still feeling constantly numbed out like I feel emotions still but not to the degree that I used to feel them its almost as if I have to try extra hard to even feel them at all. This has happened to me before I think it has to do with the sexual abuse I endured. I am still trying to heal through all of that its pretty tough. Its annoying and uncomforable to feel so empty but I just remind myself that I have felt this way before and it will eventually go away when I am ready. Nothing much could make it go away before just time I think.