Garlic lime fajitas

 Garlic lime fajitas 

 
So today has been alright I met w my caseworker and vented a bit and got a lot if housework done than had been piling up like dishes garbage vacuuming etc
 
I have a lot of energy today and I  slowly comming out of my depression I think even though I didn’t sleep at all last night 
 
 
I sent a text to O after my lashing out angry text telling him I care about him and love him I don’t know how much he did about me but I wish him well and I am going to move forward with my life because I cannot keep wishing and hoping he will call. 
 
I am trying not to have any expectations either way with this text I know that we cannot sustain a healthy relationship he’s gotten more threatening and abusive towards me and I am scared hurt and more and more in anguish of how he’s treating me and acting in general. W the amount of stress and postivity in my life lately I cannot handle another relationship that will bring me down and cause me drama and stress. 
 
I do love him and I always will but I can’t do this anymore I will be honest I don’t know how I will react of I get a response but that’s all a matter of closure and when or if I receive a response than I will know either way how I truly feel and how ready I am not completely leave this relationship or start to cut the emotional bonding towards him gradually. 
 
It’s hard for people to understand the dynamic we have but I know it all too well. I grew up the youngest if three and am used to have people controlling teasing critisiZing bullying and abusing me not only because I was younger but because I lived in a severely dysfunctional home. The feeling is very comforting and familiar as the abuse always fit a pattern at home as well. The make up stage. 
 
O and me are an an unhealthy abusive relationship to a "t" sometimes the way he will buy me gifts after each episode of us fighting and the beautifulness of our good moments and how I truly know and feel he understands my life my past and me in ways others can’t. I have never met a man like him before he is attractive well dressed charming intelligent sensitive creative hilarious and strong driven man but underneath it all is a lot of insecurity and i know I shouldn’t but he is pretty mysterious at times so I went through his things and found out that he was at one point homeless when he was younger and I really felt for him as I have been very close to homelessness and it must of been a very scary and lonely time for him 
 
But his dark side is getting more and more overtly dark and threatening that it’s as if he’s a different person and I can’t seem to have any rationality in him when he gets paranoid and insecure about me "cheating" even though it’s not a traditional committed relationship. And he’s often been with other people. And it’s impossibly hard to convince him otherwise of the truth of things. 
 
He brings out the worst in me and when he turns cold on me after being hot it triggers my abandonment issues badly and I lash out at him as well but I would have to say I have never hurt him physically or to the extent he has and have tried to work through it and I do apologize and sometimes he apologizes for his behaviour too or makes up to me but the thing is I shouldn’t feel afraid of the man I love I should probably feel safe with him always even when we do argue and I should prolly be able to do and be honest with him without him putting me down or threatening the relationship all the time 
 
I often threaten the relationship but in the actual heat of the moment I do try to leave him but he physically won’t lets sometimes he grabs my arm and pulls me into the room so that I can’t leave until I calm down and be okay with him so I pretend and than I take off so he can’t do it again. 
 
Every time I go to his house it’s great up until the day I am leaving or soon to leave basically and than he is rude and cold to me so I decide to leave on my terms so it doesn’t hurt to leave with him or say goodbye with him acting indifferent towards me and he cannot stand that I do this because he wants to remain in control so he tries to get me to stay at his place longer or blocks me from leaving and because I don’t absolutely dispise him I don’t really struggle to get away and than a part of me is kind of a bit scared I guess but not a lot because I know he will be on better behaviour because he will try to convince me to stay. 
 
Anyways it makes me really sad to write this because we both have such trauma in our lives and we seem to be making it worse for each other mostly triggering all the old fears and repeating the same patterns over and over again that neither one of us ever truly feels secure but the difference between me and him is that I am honest with how I feel about him and my insecurities and fears and he is sometimes but very rarely mostly he acts or actually is very indifferent towards me to protect himself and his ego I guess and to remain in control and he will not let up most of the time on being right and will never directly address the fight and what happened
 
Anyways I feel silly even writing this because right now I have a feeling that I will never hear from him again and maybe everything I write is how I wished he felt but maybe it’s not how he feels and I am dreaming it all up who knows??? 
 
Anyways enough about him I am going grocery shopping to make garlic lime fajitas and some regular grocery shopping and maybe maybe laundry I dread doing my laundry as it’s a sketchy facility and shit gets stolen and moved and if it’s busy I won’t bother because the probability w dealing w petty bullshit goes up 
 
But overalls energy And my ability to deal w shit has gone up and motivation rationality and all that is comming back. I am seeing things more clearly lately and have been taking some natural supplements for anxiety laying of the alcohol drinking tea distracting myself and today I called an employment centre to attend an info session comming up In a few weeks so that I can start boosting Mu confidence to Fonda steadier job and income so hopefully the moving can be easier on me and my options are better etc…. 
 
 
But yeah. I’m going to go out now to get the groceries.now. 
 
Ciao