Fwb

 So glad od is back on. 

I mean od records my life! 
 
Anyways last night I tried to get ahold of a fwb. I knew him for three years. Always pretty reliable but lately after the breakup with O, I withheld talking to him because I didn’t want to feel worse when I knew I would be just using him as a rebound and putting all my expectations into him. 
 
I had texted him about four times and always backed out of any possibility of meeting up realizing that he’s no good for me either. He’s a lot like O to a less serious degree. But there was a time when he said he loved me. But he is just as manipulative, a user, liar and abusive. 
 
I finally just ignored everything I was feeling and thought since I had briefly talked to him three days ago to just see if his number was the same and he was still around and he replied and seemed fine with me not seeing him that he’d be around three days later. Nope, blocked my number it seems. 
 
I am kind if upset, panicky and relieved. A part of me wants him like a drug he’s an old standby, he’s reliable and I know him. He gives me a high sometimes. Another part is over him, annoyed by him, scared of him, pissed at him hates him. 
 
We had a love hate relationship. I started retaliating towards him gradually and I believe the reason he blocked me is because he can see that I am gaining more of an upper hand and I am stronger. 
 
I know it’s for the best really. I need to start valuing myself and stop this pattern of being with these narcissistic, selfish, abusive manipulative men who are emotionally inavailable. With them I cannot gain a sense of equality or a sense of comfort or security in being with them. Having them hanging out in the wings just makes it hard to actually feel I can attract and obtain a healthy relationship with a man. With boundaries, safety a man who is healthy. 
 
It stops me from being able to grow and be healthy myself. Prevents me from looking at myself and my life. Instead I follow a destructive pattern from my past. One that is comfortable and familiar but not enriching or good for me one that doesn’t lead to growth or improvement. 
 
I mean I think of this guy and lately I cannot think of any good thing he has had to say about me all I can remeber is the insults, put downs, critisms. Not the good times or the nice things he has done for me or said which are far and few between. It was mostly just pain, abuse, being let down stress. He was trying to bring me down not up because he is insecure with himself and needs to do that to have me stick around. 
 
It sucks that I felt I couldn’t leave him completely. But I mean I was able to get a lot of space from him and I was seeing a more accurate picture of who he was and the relationship. It sucks that there’s nothing much to replace that with. 
 
I don’t have a supply of fwb anymore and I don’t really feel like searching for any right now or at all. Kind of sucks because I am picky and I hate the process of meeting new guys. I never looked for O or this guy it just happened naturally for better or worse.  I just don’t feel safe with most weirdos on the internet and guys in general that way. I am going to take a break from men and focus on myself really because my choices haven’t been the greatest and I am still not really over O and his fucked up behaviour. I don’t wanna slide into another abusive relationship again. I am feeling a bit low and not good lately so dating wouldn’t be the best experience right now.
 
I have to really figure out my life. 
 
Speaking of that. I have New Years plans! A friend of mine texted me out of the blue to invite her with some other girls to go to dinner and a club. So I bought the ticket it was about 40 bucks pretty cheap. I have something to look forward to! I didn’t really expect to hear from this girl again because last time we were going to do something it didn’t work out she didn’t wanna go  and than when she invited me to do something else  with some other people this brunch think I didn’t feel like going so I no. I didn’t think she would really wanna do anything again. So fingers crossed. I always am kind of hesitant with plans w people because ppl flake sometimes. But so far so good! I am excited to look for something to wear. 
 
I also applied for this training program for people who want to get involved in the social service sector, food services or agriculture sector. It’s three days a week and they pay you a bit to do it and give you a metro pass to get around those things are like (150 dollars) they give you a lunch on the days you come in and I think links to jobs afterwards so I just made the deadline and will hear about interviews in January. There is like 150 applicants though and only 12 spots so who knows….it’s a big pool of people. 
 
Other than that I am going to search for jobs and go to my employment counsellor in the new year. It will be a fresh start and I am sure more opportunities will be open in January. 
 
So yea that’s it lately