first day at work since being assaulted

 I took a week off work after being beat up and almost killed by this guy I was seeing. It was hard but definately not as bad as I thought it would be. Apparently when I wasnt there and I was being replaced by another new co worker of mine someone at work had a big blowup, started verbally abusing my replacement, threw a food container across the room and was screaming and yelling about something very inconsequential. My cook said that she thought he was going to hit replacement. He has been banned from comming around for a month. I feel bad for my replacement that she had to go through so much but I am also SUPER relieved that I decided to take the time off to heal from the emotional and physical wreckage that the guy who beat me did to me. I dont know what I would of done if I had to re experience the same type of violence I had just experienced. Everything happens for a reason sometimes I guess. whew anyways. I gave my cook a hug and told her I am sorry she had to go through that and that it must of been terrifying. She didnt seem to upset though, more just shocked by it all.

 
I surprised myself today by being very strong and assertive today. I hardly ever second guessed myself today and when some people were trying to pull wool over my eyes I let them have it. I was afraid that I may have been on the defense today a little too much because of what happened to me. But I just dont ever want to feel beaten or taken advantage the way I was ever again. 
 
I am at home now in my room. Typing this up. I got into a bit of a fight with my mom the other day, so i am trying to avoid her. all she does is make me feel guilty for feeling sad and not acting upbeat. she thinks i am over exagerating at times i can tell by the tone in her voice. but than other times she is super super nice and caring. i get a whole bunch of mixed messages from her and i am sick of it. i dont like when she does nice things for me because in the end she makes me pay emotionally for it if i say or do something she doesnt like.
 
a few weeks ago i was really sick and was bed ridden. my mom insisted on waiting on me hand and foot and it made me really uncomfortable she went out of control buying me every medicine in the pharmacy when i only asked her to by me advil and a thermometer. she refused to buy the thermometer saying it is too expensive, so i said fine no problem just thought i would ask. but than she gets back from the pharmacy with the thermometer after guilt tripping me about it. i get fusterated with her and fusterated with the thermometer that i dont know how to work it and say omg! fuck this in a angry voice and that she just flips out on me calls me ungrateful a brat and throws the instructions for the thermometer in my face. i even told her right after i said fuck this that i am not yelling at her i am just cussing at my fusteration on how to use the damn thing. it just left me feeling so low…i didnt know what i did to deserve being called names and something thrown in my face.  i ended up apologizing to her in the end to which she did not accept it and continued telling me that i never appreciate anything she does and she works hard for me and i dont treat her with respect. at the time i blamed myself completely and didnt respond for fear of fighting with her again. but now i know that what she did wasnt right it was immature and abusive..
 
it gets harder and harder to live with my mom recognizing that she treats me badly. whenever she is around i have this over whelming feeling of guilt that i am not good enough that i dont help out around the house that i am lazy and ungreatful. i stuff it deep down and just hardly talk to her because of that sometimes. right when she comes home she will start obsessively cleaning and making passive agressive remarks about the house being dirty the cats not being fed this is out of place that is out of place.all in an effort to make me feel bad. and i let her. i dont tell her she makes me feel bad and try not to let it show but i do feel really bad.